WARNING! Fairy Tales

12. Little Red Riding Blood

Once upon a time there was an enchanted kingdom with charming castles on the mountaintops, graceful unicorns running through the forests in panic from the huge werewolf packs that terrorized the countryside, and fair maidens in high towers waiting with bated breath as the vampires who had just sucked their handsome princes dry turned to them, ready for dessert.

Just your average enchanted kingdom.

In this nice little enchanted kingdom, there lived a beautiful little girl beloved by all who saw her, except the less beautiful girls. She had a charming smile, a charming personality and charming blood spatters all over her clothes, from the massacres and vampire/werewolf battles she often passed on her way to school. Most of the blood ended up on her pretty little riding hood, and since people in Fairyland suffer from acute lackofimaginationitis when it comes to names, everyone called her "Little Red Riding Blood."

One day her mother called Little Red Riding Blood to her and said to the girl, "Come, Little Red Riding Blood, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine—"

"Oh, thanks," said Little Red Riding Blood and gobbled up the cake and drank the wine with one gulp, for Little Red Riding Blood was one hell of a party girl!

The mother, who was a very patient parent, took a deep breath, counted to ten, and then said, "Those were for your grandmother."

"Oops." Little Red Riding Blood gave a little belch and then smiled at her mother with the sweetest, most innocent smile in all of Fairyland. "Sorry."

"Hm. Well, here is another cake and another cake and another bottle of wine—"

"Thanks so much! I was feeling a bit peckish and—"

"—which also are for your grandmother."

"Oh."

"I would like you to take them to her, for she is ill and weak, it will do her good to see you."

Little Red rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I bet! She'll have so much fun criticizing my friends, my clothes, the way the walk, the way I talk and the parties I go to. I can hear her now: Little Red Riding Blood, that skirt is too short! Little Red Riding Blood, that hood is too red! Little Red Riding Blood, those wicked witches aren't the right company for you! Why don't you make friends with that nice Sleeping Beauty over at the Castle of Thorns? Well, here's a clue why: because she's freaking asleep! All the time! And she snores like a battalion of lumberjacks! No, thanks! I won't go near that weirdo or near grandma with a ten foot pole, Mom."

"Little Red!" The mother gazed at her daughter, rebuke in her eyes. "Have you no compassion for the old? Who but you should carry this cake and this wine to your dear, dear grandmother?"

Little Red gave her mother a look. "Can't she just order that stuff online?"

"Pssh! Not so loud, Little Red! This is Fairyland! We aren't supposed to have the internet!"

"God, mom! You're so old-fashioned."

"Besides, your grandmother is right about your so-called friends. Those wicked witches really are quite, um, well...wicked. I'm sure Sleeping Beauty would be really nice if you only took the time to get to know her..."

At this point, Little Red pulled out her crystal ball and started texting her friends. Her mother continued talking about the fine qualities of Sleeping Beauty, the dangers of the woods and other boring stuff for quite a while. Finally, she noticed what her daughter was doing, cut off her eulogy on comatose best friends and snatched the crystal ball away from Little Red.