Losing Life's Grip

Chapter 5

     It was cold and early. I had gotten up at 3 in the morning. I wanted to make sure I got to spend enough time with Evan before he went off to surgery. I was trying to be positive.  I kept reassuring myself that he would be fine. Nothing would go wrong in his surgery.
      My love would be happy and healthy after this procedure. But I just couldn't get the doubt out of my mind. What if Evan didn't make it out? What if the doctors messed up? Are they capable enough to save him? If it does work will he be the same afterwards? Ugh, I was to worried.  
      I just needed to put on a brave face for Evan. He deserved it. Of course, Evan being the perfect human being he was, he noticed I was worried. Why was I not surprised?
"It'll be fine, my love"
"What? I didn't even say anything!"
"I know you. I know you are scared about my surgery."
"No, I'm not! I am completely confident in your doctors. I'm not worried at all."
     He gave me a look. The look to be precise. When Evan knows I'm lying he gives me a certain expression. It sort of has a mix of annoyed teacher and knowing parent.
"Ok, fine. So I'm a little nervous. Who cares?"
"You are more than a little scared. Alyssa, you are terrified. I trust my doctors. I know they are going to take care of me."
"Evan, I don't care if you have the most capable doctors in the world! They could still mess up!"
I was suddenly yelling and I couldn't stop.
"What if you die, Evan! You can't leave me. I already lost Lilly. I can't lose you too!"
"Don't you think I'm scared too, Alyssa? I could die soon! Instead of trying to help me, you just keep talking about you! Why are you so selfish?"
Evan had never said something like that to me before.
"Selfish?"
His face changed. I knew he was regretting what he had just said.
"So thats what you think of me, Evan! You think I'm selfish! Why do you think I'm so worried? I'm worried for you!"
"No, you're worried for you! Alyssa, you only want me to live because if I was gone you would have to actually talk to people!"
"Ok, Evan! If I'm so selfish why am I here?"
"I don't know why I said all of that. I'm sorry."
"No, if thats what you really think, then fine! I'm leaving!"
"Alyssa, please! Stay. I'm sorry"
I didn't stop. I kept on walking out. I was so upset that I left Evan. He needed me right then but I didn't care. I was gone. As soon as I got outside I regretted it. Why did I leave? Why did I say those things to him? I love Evan more than anything in the world.
     How could I have been so stupid? I wanted to go back in and see Evan. I needed to see him before he went in to the possible life-ending surgery. I just couldn't. I could not face Evan after I was so terrible to him. Even though I didn't go back in his hospital room, I was still there with him. No, not in spirit or whatever.
      I sat outside his room the entire time. I loved him too much to not be there. During his surgery I went inside his room. His mom, Karen, was sitting there. She looked really worried. She was wringing her hands and making a thoughtful expression. Karen looked surprised to see me again. She knew I was there earlier.
"Alyssa? What are you doing back here? I thought you left."
"No. I mean, yes. I kind of had a fight with Evan. I couldn't leave him though, so I waited outside."
"You guys had a fight? You have never fought before! What was it about?"
"I honestly don't really know. I was just so scared about the operation that I... I don't know. I just got upset"
"It's ok, sweetheart. People are different when they are scared. Evan's a good boy. I know he'll understand."
"Thank you, Mrs. Cooper"
"No problem, babie doll."
      After talking to Karen, I felt better. I couldn't wait for Evan to get out of surgery. All I wanted to do was to make up with him. It was killing me to think he was still mad. It had been a long time. I could only assume he would be ready to come out soon.
     I was anxiously waiting with Karen, when a doctor rushed in. At first I thought he was going to tell us Evan was out of surgery. Hopefully things were going better then expected. Then I realized that's not what was actually going on. Karen seemed to begin to understand too. She spoke up first.
"Uh, Doctor, what's going on? Is everything ok?"
"No, Mrs. Cooper, it's not. There's been a problem with your son's operation."
     My world came to a screeching hault. My heart stopped. All of my worst fears were coming true. Evan, my world, my love, my everything, was not going to have the happy ending I dreamt about.