dkla | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴷᴺᴶ

四

ㅡ ❝lost its beat and so I find.❞

ㅡ

About a week passed by since Namjoon was alone, since Hoseok left him and took everything with him that was dear to Namjoon. He soon realized that without Hoseok by his side, nothing made sense and everything came to him in dull colors. The whole week long he had stayed at home, more like in his bed, only getting up when he needed to pee or if the thirst got too bad and he had to walk over to his kitchen. Without Hoseok even his home didn't feel like home anymore. It was weird. They hadn't been living together, still Hoseok had been spending so much time in his apartment that it had felt to Namjoon as if they already were. He would have loved to. He would have loved to live together with one person he loved more than anything else, the one person he would have even given up on his passion, music. For Hoseok he would have done anything and he was pretty sure he still would if the older would call for him. Nothing was as important as Hoseok, nothing, not even now that he had left him and taken Namjoon's heart with him. Sometimes Namjoon thought about the possibility that they would still be together if he would have asked the older to just move in with him, maybe that would have killed all of Hoseok's doubts.

He knew Hoseok was insecure, had always been, especially when it came to his family, friends or even more Namjoon. Namjoon had been reassuring Hoseok that he loved him more than anything else on a daily base, but Namjoon didn't mind doing so.

Several times he was about to get up from his bed, put on his shoes and jacket and just drive to the older's home and get him back, reassure him that he was the only one for him. Yet at the same time the pain was eating away on him. To be honest, he felt hurt, maybe even betrayed. He felt like Hoseok had ripped out his heart, stomped on it and left him back to die. But, Namjoon was smarter than to give in to those feelings, because in the back of his head he knew that this wasn't the case. In fact, it had been the exact other way around, the only difference that Namjoon hadn't done it on purpose. He had never intended to do so, would have never ever imagined something like that.

But, he should have known better. Even though he had promised the older several times that he would stop spending so much time at the studio, working on his music, he didn't. Quite the contrary, he had spent even more time at the studio as, shortly after he had found Hoseok crying for the first time, a new client had contacted him, offering him to work with a big company that owned contracts with many famous singers, rappers and bands. He had been fire and flame for the offer and complied in an instant, not thinking about the repercussions at all. Shortly after he had agreed to the extent of his work they had also offered to assign him as a rapper under their label and help him get even better known that he had already been at that time.

Ever since then he had worked his ass off, had loved to do so, because he was finally able to work on what he was really good at, not to forget that it was his passion. Day and night he had been composing new songs, not only for all those famous people, but also for himself. And later, later he would have come home to his beloved Hoseok, who, after all those years, had still been his muse, the one that made him think of all those awesome beats and even better words and rimes. But, as time passed by, he noticed something changed. Hoseok would more often stay at his own apartment, telling him that it wouldn't make any sense visiting him as he would come home late and then head straight to bed since he had to get up early again. Namjoon had been aware of the fact that they have been drifting apart, but he ignored it, declared it his assumptions pointless and made up by his mind.

'I used to be your sunshine - I loved each time you addressed me that way - but as time passed by I felt like I was fading away. The possibility of you finding a new, better sun, that would shine even brighter for you, caused me to lose my light even more. You know I would never be able to bear with the knowledge of being the one keeping you from your music, or the one that would keep you from being happy. I want to see you happy, I want to see you shine brightly on your own, because I know you can. You don't need me for that and I won't take space that would be of better use without me.'

Namjoon read the lines over and over again, not able to understand the meaning of them. How could he possibly shine without him? How was he supposed to find someone shining brighter when even nobody was in the position to compete with Hoseok's shine anyways? He would probably never understand.

'We haven't been talking in days. I have no idea how you are or if you're doing fine. I feel like I know you less and less with each passing day. You know me, Namjoon. And so, I decided to leave you before I'll have to face the day of you leaving me. I know it's not fair. I know it's not right to end 'us' this way, but any other way you wouldn't even have noticed. You wouldn't answer your phone - it's always turned off. I don't know why, but it frightens me, it makes me think of things that hurt so, so much. And since we never see each other, never talk to each other, a letter was the only way. I love you, with all my heart. I'll be right beside you, watching you shine brightly.

Let's stay friends. You know I can't live without you.'

Friends. Namjoon didn't want to be friends. He needed Hoseok as his lover, there in his bed right beside him, where nobody could ever get to them, touch them, where there would only exist the both of them. Hoseok was his everything. And as he lost Hoseok, he lost his passion. He hadn't been to work for a week, he didn't even bother contacting them or anyone else. He kinda enjoyed playing 'dead' to the world, because that's what he felt like.