It's a sunny day in Oakland California, and even though it's winter the crisp air is inviting. I walk the five minute stretch to our normal spot- a picnic table next to the neighborhood park. We met here, right here, on this bench. I'm not the only one with a younger sibling. We were both watching our sisters. It's funny, they're best friends now too. Kaylee and Becca. That's where Kaylee slept over last night.
I check my watch. Yes I'm a 16 year old who has an iPhone but I like them okay? I find myself checking it more than my phones clock. Blaine got it for me, on my 15th.
After a couple minutes of my reminiscing he comes into view. He's at least 8 inches taller than my 5'3 and way stronger. He makes me feel safe.
I guess I shouldn't think like that. We're about as close as two friends can get without actually dating but, that's just it. We're not dating. And Blaines been with other guys (key word-guys-which I am sadly not !!!!) so, yeah I'm screwed. I wish I could be one of those guys. And I mean I know he feels something too, he has to right? He could be bi for all I know. But...
"Hey!" I say, shaking my head out along with any remaining fantasies.
His warm smile greets me, as does his hand on my knee. He sits down very close next to me, so close our knees are touching, one of his is over his other. He always sits like this. "I missed you." He says as he plops a picnic basket on the table, another tradition. And I can tell he means it. "How are you?" This time seriousness takes over, in his features and his tone; he knows my mind better than I do.
"I'm..." I start. But I can't. Finish. I've never been able to explain my thoughts properly to him. But it's like he knows. But how could he? I don't even really know what's going on with me...
"Hey." He starts. "It's okay. I'm here." He can probably tell I've had a shitty week, probably even tell I've cried myself to sleep every night in a row for two maybe three of those shitty weeks, but does he know why?
After a few torturous minutes of stalling, stress sweating and stress eating the delicious food made by Blaine himself, I try to give my feelings a shot.
"I... I want to explain something." I swallow the rest of my roll. Mm. Still warm. "My, my mind. You're the only person who would maybe understand or.. or at least not judge me"
"I would never judge you" he says very seriously. "Please, tell me. Whatever this is. I noticed, it made you distant from me for a while. I've been worried. Tell me, if you're ready".
I want to hold his face in my hands, to wrap my arms around him, to just be in his warmth in this very instant. He is the only thing that really feels right in my life and yet.. what am I in his? It's not fair, not fair at all. Not to him not to me. "I don't" I start. There's a lump in my throat. I gulp it down and continue shakily "I don't feel right. Ever. I'm not.. nothing is okay." I shake my head as if to clear the thoughts. "I like dancing. I like boys. I even like musicals. I don't like sports. I'm-" how do I continue. Will he think I'm stupid? Crazy? Will he leave me? Blaine is the only thing good left in my life I.. can't. I just can't mess this up.
"I don't.. I'm not sure I understand" Blaine replies apologetically. "Please.." he says seeing tears well up in my eyes, "help me to. Continue. I will listen." He rubs my shoulder in support. Such a harmless heather to him, but to me it means so much.
I breath in deep and decide to give it another try. "I do.. a lot of things "girls" should. I.. I even like makeup sometimes. Sometimes. And then I look at myself. I hate my body.."
"Your body is beautiful." Blaine insists, but he's not getting it. He thinks I'm simply insecure. I have to rephrase myself.
"Thank you I.. I mean I'm not comfortable with it. Or with myself. I've never been. I wish I were like you" Please please tell me you get it now Blaine. I need you to get it. I need to just say it just say it come on please please please just say it. "I think I'm transgender, Blaine." I said it. I said it.
Complete silence. A full minute goes bye. (I'm looking at my watch). I've decided I'll give him one more before I demand a response from him. Because as forceful as that sounds I. Need. Something.
But then, after that full minute, I hear "I know."
What? What? How could he know if I didn't even really know until the words came out. How the f-
My mouth is literally wide open so I remind myself to shut it. And then open it again "Oh yeah. And I'm gay".
Blaine smiles and suffocates me with a giant bear hug. "I didn't really know I guess, it just makes sense to me now. I love you, you know that? And I'll help you in any way I can at all. It means so much that you told me."
