Hopelessly Seeking Happiness

Chapter 1: Who is Spacegirl?

Have you ever had an awful day (of course you have), one of those days that starts off terrible because of the dreams you were having the night before? Then all fucking day it’s just one shitstorm after another after another. The whole damn day was filled with people demeaning you and pushing you around, it feels like the universe wants to see you at your lowest just to make you feel more like shit than you already do. You just feel worthless and hopeless. You feel like you shouldn’t even bother living (what’s the damn point). You are in a dark room with no light and you try to break down walls and shit, just to get some ray of light in but all it does is make you pain even more, and after fighting and fighting with these damn fucking walls, alas! A ray of light, dear Lord a ray of light in this dark room it cannot fucking be! This ray of light is YouTube. A YouTube channel has just uploaded a video, you click on it and start watching it, and suddenly the universe’s personal agenda against you ceases to exist, the person or persons who own this channel, who uploaded this video, have brought you something you did not expect from this horrid day, they brought you joy. I was the one who brought you this joy.

I started my YouTube career four years ago, my channel has just only reached 900k subscribers, and I am as proud as one can be. I earned each and every single one of those subscribers, I didn’t have famous YouTube friends helping me out, I did it all on my own, by delivering good content and for being ‘the voice of the voiceless’. If you were subscribed to my channel you were entering into my unfiltered mind. I said what I wanted. Uploaded what I wanted. It was never any cookie-cutter bullshit with me. I wasn’t a damn run of the mill beauty vlogger or lifestyle vlogger, I didn’t give reviews on fucking makeup and clothes, I wasn’t posting videos of my dull ass life; who the fuck would want to see that, me buying groceries, what is this the Sims? And I especially didn’t have a famous YouTube boyfriend reeling in the subscribers for me. No, I did not believe in setting women back centuries by uploading stereotypical videos. I saw the world for what it was and I did not like it, people everywhere were suffering in some way and no one was doing anything to help. The people would cry at the top of their lungs but no one listened. The people were heartbroken but no one mended their hearts. I was part of the people. I was going through an existential crisis, I was battling depression and an anxiety disorder; I didn’t fucking care what shade of lipstick matched my outfit. I didn’t care how I was supposed to wear my hair to go with my outfit, and I certainly did not fucking care what so-and-so did on Friday! All the while I was looking for someone to hear my voice; I suddenly realized I could hear my own damn voice, not only that I could hear the voice of thousands, millions! And if no one would be their guide I would.

So I spoke for them. I made them laugh when they thought they couldn’t, I made them cry when they could no longer be strong, I made them hate me for being so blunt, I made them love me for being so understanding. They respected me and I respected them, they loved me and I loved them. I was forever grateful for all of my black sheep, we all had one thing in common; our relentless passion to be unhappy. But I being a ‘spacegirl’ wanted to find this thing called happiness and I thought I had, and I thought I was sharing my happiness with my black sheep. However I was naïve for the girl who went from having nothing, to having something, lost everything. This is why I burned out and why I didn’t fade away.

My disgrace.

WOW, okay so whats going on with this chick? Keep reading I Castiel promise it gets interesting. This is called character building, okay don't get all disgruntled.  If you want to understand Spacegirl better listen to the song I included in the media section! It describes what she stands for! Helping people over come their fears!