Reviews (Creepypasta)

Fragmentary

Story: Fragmentary|| Ticci Toby

By: Skybolina

Story Rating: 8

Grammar Rating: B++

Originality: 4.5

There was one point where you mentioned Toby not being able to have a dream but saying he had nightmares. Nightmares are bad dreams. A better way to put that would be to say a pleasant dream or a good dream.

I loved what you did with her father. It's very unique and honestly not something I've ever seen before. Extra points for that!

Also, it was really refreshing to see her age and realize this isn't some teenager we're reading about, which are very common in creepypasta fanfictions. Great job.

An amazing introduction to Slenderman. But I wasn't too big a fan of the end. It didn't flow properly and we weren't really shown her thoughts during that time. Also, why run from the car? Ugh why do they always trip?

Why the stutter? It's not present in the original story so why do people insist on writing it in? It's just awkward to read, especially when there are moments with a lot of dialogue.

All in all, it was a really great read. Towards the end of the first and all of the second chapter though, you lost a lot of the originality and uniqueness that you'd built up. I do, however, really love how you've done Toby's character. I'd love to keep reading if the other chapters are more similar to the first one you wrote.

It's definitely a lot better than the original story you had for this. I had gone back recently to do the review thinking it would be exactly the same as the story you'd asked me to read a long time ago and I was just blown away by the changes. Great job with that.

If you'd like more details on anything I've said in here or would like me to point out some things, feel free to ask!