Reviews (Creepypasta)

Ghost In The Back of Your Head

Story: Ghost in the Back of Your Head (Jeff the Killer x Reader)

By: Twinky-Dinky-Doo

Story Rating: 4

Grammar Rating: B+

Originality: 3.5

First, description. It's short and, while slightly intriguing, it doesn't flow. The sentences are choppy and lacking a bit of proper grammar.

Jeff is the younger child. Liu is older, unless you're going based off of BanningK's story, but it didn't seem like you were.

The sentences are short and awkward, not really flowing and sounding very monotonous. It doesn't sound exciting or interesting and steals life from your characters. I don't feel like these could be actual people, despite you giving them a back story. This also makes conversation very stilted and awkward. It just doesn't feel like real conversations people would have. Also, the lack of movement or actions while they're talking is really awkward to read as well.

Also, the way you insert information and backstory is very blunt. You shouldn't tell the readers, show them. If you tell them everything instead of showing, it becomes bland.

Okay, I'm sorry. That meeting with Jeff was incredibly awkward and completely unbelievable. You really mean to tell me a thirteen year old is going to overpower a GROWN MAN? Also, she's just going to be standing outside the window, staring in like a creeper? Jeff just MAGICALLY senses she's there watching? Why would they need the keys to open the door in their own home? How were the police able to get the address just by a description of the house? You really think that a woman who had just been saved by this random girl would leave her on the sidewalk? No, she'd pack the girl into her car with her child and drive off. 

UGH, seriously, she's terrified but sneering at him? That's not what you do when you're scared someone is going to murder you. You don't get sassy. I'm so sick of seeing this in Jeff the Killer stories. It's not only inaccurate but also inconsistent. They don't throw jokes at their possible killer and, I'm sorry, but this guy killed his family in cold blood. You really think he'd stand back and let a annoying girl practically make fun of him? No.

I'm sorry, but I don't plan on reading past this first chapter. You had some really solid ideas but they're ruined by all these little things. If you ever sit down and decide to rewrite this story, fix up all these things, I'll be happy to sit down and try to review it again. However, where the story is right now, I'm not interested. You didn't hook me and I'm frankly turned off by the character's and how they interact with each other.