Worthless

1-20-14

Seems like I'm close to losing all of my friends this month. u.u Lost Kawika . I keep screwing things up. I should have talked about you, to you, comforted you. But here I am, again, talking about myself.. I just wanna explain to you: I was getting angry about how you wouldn't let me do anything I  shouldn't be looking at what other people are doing. I should be looking at myself. I know what I've done wrong, and we all make mistakes, right? I'll try to be a better friend for you, and it seems like you haven't unfollowed me, so.. idk.Maybe if you get on, you can message me and I can try to patch things up?  I don't wanna lose another friend,  We both know how it is to lose someone.

FalshBack;

I was in the car, realizing that my voice was getting more and more hoarse from screaming. I wasn't crying, though, which kind of surprised me.

        But, there was one thing that my mom said about my father that made me take a look at her, intensely, and let out my longest stream of a sentence.

        And, while I was standing up for myself, hot tears quickly running down my cheeks, adrenaline running through my whole body from my finger tips to my petite feet, I felt powerfull, yet pathetic at the same time.

        I knew I looked like an abused dog, as my eyes grew big, my face was tear stained, and I felt all the emotional scars over my heart bleed anger and disgust over the man who practically ruined my life.

It was only for two minutes, but I felt like making out this one sentence took at least an hour.

And, after I said it, the tears disappeared, I settled back in my seat, and looked out the window, pretending that we never had the conversation that made my blood go to ice, yet blaze like fire, and pretend that I didn't just realize what I've wanted to say my whole life.

~Dream~

 I let the hot water wash away the anger, the sadness, and my whole life itself into the water running down my body. My tears streamed down my cheeks, to down to my thighs. I scrubbed my eyes trying to get the fuckin' waterproof eyeliner off. I scrubbed until the insides of my eyes burned.

        I snapped open my eyes to the white tiled walls. I wish I could just dissapear from this living hell. 

        I turned my body to the shampoo and conditioner. But, something else caught my eye. It was a long brush hanging from a hook. I've noticed it before, but I've never actually tried it. I carefuuly took it off the hook, and swung it over my shoulder to my back. I let the bristles press into my skin, before I started to stroke my back. The bristles sunk into my skin. My skin started to burn, yet... I kept going. I rubbed harder and harder, and the let the pain from my back spread throughout my body. 

        I finally came to a stop, and put the brush back on the hook. When I turned around, my whole back burnrd from the touch of the hot water.I gave a groan as the feeling of fire on my back grew all over. Instead of turning the hot water off, I let the hot water burn my back for a while longer. It was a strange sensation, really. I hoped the pain would swallow me into nothing, and let myself drift away

I sat in my chair at me desk, trying not to cry. It was painful to even look at her. I just wanted to be left alone in my sorrow. But, her grip on my body got harder. 

        "I'm sorry." She was trying to make her voice softer... more light. She was trying not to sound hard on me after all that's happened between us and her s.o.b. partner.  "You don't deserve to be misunderstood." She didn't know me well enought to say that. She doesn't understand me. Otherwise, she wouldn't do the things that she does to piss me off, or the things that drive me on the edge of insanity. But, I don't care. 

        I laid my head on her stomach, and she wrapped her arm around me. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but not only from today. From school, at home, with my father, the fact that I've been and forever will be alone, and everything else go. Finally, I came to a point where I stopped and listened. I felt her heart beating inside. For me.