jøshler - denial

II

we were in europe by now and jenna had made me leave the hotel to go shopping with her.

it was hard to focus though and jenna noticed.

she always noticed, she was my best friend after all.

"you and josh are ok, right?", she asked in a casual tone but with a concerned look.

i wondered when we had sat down at a coffee shop, but gave up halfway. i had no clue and that was probably why it was pretty obvious something was up.

"yeah..", i heard the most terrible lie leave my mouth before i even thought about it.

she looked at me softly. "it's still the same topic..?", she asked and i only nodded looking down.

'the same topic'

that was a good way to put it.

me and josh had been dating just as long as twenty one pilots had existed and i don't know how he was still putting up with 'the same topic'.

it's not like our relationship wasn't good.

damn, it was amazing most of the time.

but it was like a back and fourth game between us constantly. we had good days, sometimes weeks and then i ruined it everytime.

"ty, god.. you have to stop pushing josh away when you have these doubts.", she said still with a soft soothing tone and put her hand on top of mine on the table.

"i know.. - you tell me everytime. i don't even know why he keeps forgiving me.", i whispered with a sigh.

"because he loves you, tyler. but that doesn't mean it isn't hard."

i nodded. i know this was hard for him.

but how was i supposed to turn it off? these thoughts came and disappeared again. sometimes i was more than fine with kissing him, sometimes i felt guilt whenever we did.

they tried to tell me there was therapy for that but i didn't want that. i knew it wasn't wrong, i just couldn't stop my head from telling me so.

"it's just the thoughts.. and then just the imagination of my parents finding out.. and what they would say. it just makes it feel so wrong."

"tyler. it's not wrong, okay? it is not wrong.", she said looking deep into my eyes and squeezing my hand softly.

"but why can't i just love you the way i should?", i whispered out loud and heard my voice crack hiding my face as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

she stood up and pulled me into a hug.

"because you are gay. and that is fine. it's completely and perfectly normal and fine. it's part of you and i love it all and so will other people if they knew.", she whispered in my ear softly.

i still couldn't help but flinch as she said the word.

i wanted to believe her. i wanted to believe her so bad, but the voices of my parents kept disagreeing.

it was just wired in my brain, i felt like i couldn't do anything about it.

"they wouldn't, not even i can.", i whispered and broke apart.

"we should go on, you said you still need a dress.", i said and she looked at me knowing i was trying to change the subject but she also knew i didn't want to talk about it anymore.

she nodded and let it go.