jøshler - denial

IV

fuck.

no.

no. no. no. no.

i stared at my phone screen showing me a dark but clear picture of josh and me in the alley - kissing.

i got a ton of text messages from my mother, my father, my siblings, jenna and so many more people i usually didn't even write with.

my mind seemed to be frozen.

it was all over twitter.

it was fucking trending.

my hand was shaking and i pushed it into my pocket while i was getting up.

i just wanted to get out.

just go.

"tyler, where are you going?", josh asked concerned.

until then he had waited patiently beside me for my reaction.

but i didn't answer and just kept walking, until he pulled me back, his hand around my wrist.

i pulled on it just wanting to get away.

"let me go!", i yelled my voice cracking.

"tyler, you can't just run away from this."

"oh yeah? watch me.", i said ripping my hand free.

"ty-"

"this is probably what you wanted right?! you wanted this all along, just ruin my life!"

"what the hell, tyler?! my parents are just as pissed as yours, i'm just not such a fucking coward that i can't even admit to myself i'm gay!", he yelled back.

josh never yelled.

"fuck you, josh! i'm not anything, you can go to hell!, i said turning around to leave with tears in my eyes.

"you're not? felt different last night!", josh called after me bitterly.

i clenched my jaw and just kept walking which soon turned into running as i had made it outside and i had no clue where i was as i finally stopped.

we were somewhere in germany by now, so how should i know where the hell i was?

i kicked at some grass at the side of the road and squeezed my eyes shut.

this was just like a surreal nightmare.

what am i even doing?

my life was over.

my family hated me. i knew they did.

i knew what they thought about homosexuality, this wasn't some reality tv show where everything would miraculously turn out fine. they won't accept me, never.

and the fans and most of my friends were probably angry i had been lying to them all along.

and josh...

i looked over to see i was walking toward a bridge.

oh, wouldn't it be dramatic?

i felt a tear roll down my cheek.

there's literally nothing left.

jenna had to be sick of my whining by now, i just used her keeping her from her own happiness.

josh i had only hurt over and over again since the moment we had met.

my family now knew what a disappointment i really truly was and my fans realized i was a coward and a liar.

i couldn't be what my family would want but neither could i accept myself for josh's sake.

i was just there letting everyone down.

i stood on the bridge now looking down into the cold water.

pitch black.

i remembered the last times the dark thoughts consumed me.

josh had always stayed awake through the bad nights with me no matter how tired he was.

"tyler, i love you so much. i could never survive losing you. don't ever think i don't care. don't ever listen to those thoughts."

another tear fell down in the water.

i hadn't even managed to tell josh i loved him. i always knew i did but i was always too scared to say it back.

what did he even see in me?

"stay alive. that's all you have to do. stay alive, for me."

i slumped down to the floor, putting my face in my hands.

i couldn't lose josh.

everything, but not josh.

i pulled out my phone and tried to make a call tapping the screen with shaking fingers as i accidentally opened the notifications and let my eyes roam over not just the few negative commentary but also the responses to the trending hashtag by friends, by supportive fans.

'i knew it! @tylerrjoseph you lucky son of a bitch! #joshlerisreal' - brendon

'called it! #joshlerisreal' - halsey

'#joshlerisreal is the cutest thing i have seen today, please don't be fake! @tylerrjoseph tell me it isn't fake!' - melanie

'i shipped it before it was cool. #joshlerisreal' - pete

i put the phone down with a small smile.

"... i love it all and so will other people if they knew."

yes. some actually do.

(a/n: if you have good ideas for tweets please comment them. i maybe add them, if they are funny. plus i think mine are terrible so give me better ideas, frens)