The Confined

7. Violet

2302. 04. 12

I didn’t have the strength to get up. Neither did I have the heart to fall asleep. So there I was, lying on the floor endlessly staring into the nothingness in our bunker. I tried not to think of anything because if I did my head would feel like it was going to blow. I couldn’t stop my brain from getting mad all over again at everybody for not helping me when I was getting beaten up. Even though I got mad, I knew, deep in my heart, that this was their routine. Seeing someone get beaten up but not being able to help because they’re afraid that they will be hit too. I wondered how many people the boy that was watching had seen getting tortured. He seemed just my age, his green eyes flashing moods of worry whenever I got kicked. And still he didn’t help me. They didn’t think of me as someone special, worth saving. I had become an anybody in the Confined.

I didn’t move a muscle that day. Only when I needed to go to the toilet did I have the opportunity to really sit up and have the energy to walk. My survival instincts had completely won over my purposes of living.

When it got time for having our daily meal, I stood up because I couldn’t die. My ambitions had been stomped upon and shredded. That didn’t mean I wanted to die. And that didn’t mean I was alive either. I was no different from an animal.

✡

I was not thinking.
I only remember bits.
Time flew.
I freaked out again.
It was about pumpkins.
I should have just eaten the stupid thing.
I was so stubborn.
I was so crazy.
I was beaten.
But I was helped.
And now I can breathe.

The boy stalked over to the fight and punched the nearest police. Everyone was surprised but there was no time for me to be distracted. I needed to keep going. I needed to fire along. Someone was siding with me now. And that gave me hope.

I kept fretting until all the other police gave up on me and started to beat the other boy who came to my assistance. He was definitely the boy I saw the other day while I was getting beaten by the policemen. His brown eyes reminded me of my pet goldfish back in the RL. It used to have beautiful brown eyes too, until it died after living for 5 years.

I screamed because I couldn’t help him. I was in awful shape. The boy didn’t look much better than me, but he had come to my help. I felt guilty because he’d helped me in difficult circumstances but I couldn’t do much to help him. I tried to attract attention toward me. I fretted even more vigorously by grabbing a policeman’s hair and shaking it. It only ripped off his wig. I threw the wig into another police’s face who yelled, “John! I told you to get rid of it!”

In seconds, we were contained. The boy seemed to be unconscious. The police without the wig seemed so distressed that I was sure his eyes were soon going to pop out. He and another police were pinning me down to the floor so I couldn’t move. Then everything was over. It was obvious that we had lost, but it made me sad.

The boy and I were soon hauled to the Confined Hospital. I had never been there before and I hadn’t expected it to be so stuffy. Everything was so humid in there. Of course I couldn’t see the vapor inside the room but there was something about it that gave me the impression that it wasn’t very clean. I felt dizzy and sick. Not just because of getting beaten, but also because of the damp air.

My wounds were much less severe than his. I took a few pills and I felt better in no time. The boy was given anesthetics so he would feel less pain. I sat next to the seat to his bed. I was determined to wait until he woke up. I was pretty sure that it would take a couple of hours, but a few minutes later, his eyes opened.

It took some time for him to realize that I was actually sitting right next to him, waiting for him to wake up. I didn’t think he could talk yet due to the anesthetics, but that was better for me. I could make my apologies without being nagged about what I’d done. I knew exactly what I had done wrong. I was sorry. But I didn’t want to be bothered and lectured about it by someone else. I didn’t like that in the RL, and neither did I like that in here. My personality hadn’t changed at all. In fact, it was worse than before. Back then, I was a spoiled girl with power. Now, I was a spoiled girl who didn’t know how bad her situation was.