Kazemaru Ichirota // Nathan Swift
Ares timeline
It was only once the door to his living quarters at Royal Academy had been slammed and locked that Nathan could relax a little despite a headache that had been bothering him the whole day.
Outside the walls of his safe space, he was expected to act superior, important, emotionless. But in fact, that was the opposite of what he felt.
Keeping to his daily facade was so difficult to Nathan, and he was afraid. Afraid that he wouldn't be able to keep it up, afraid of the consequences if he failed to do so.
Nathan wearily got ready for bed, the throbbing of his head growing worse.
Eventually he collapsed onto his bed, the day catching up with his body, his muscles ached, and his head was still killing him.
Reaching to his bedside table, he fumbled around and found his painkillers. He popped a couple, and sighed as the aching started to ebb away.
It was no exaduration to say that painkillers had been his best friend lately. He had been in constant pain over the past couple of weeks, about the time he had joined Royal was when it first started, but it had progressively got worse. The fact he was under major pressure by the commander didn't help the matter, and he wasn't sure how long he could keep his act up.
Nathan was ready for bed and desperately needed sleep, but he hesitated to turn off the lights, his slightly shaking hand hovering over the switch.
Come on, Nathan. You can't avoid the dark forever. He thought.
He gulped and switched off the lights, burying himself under the blankets as quickly as he could. But he knew he couldn't hide from the darkness.
As if a hand was squeezing his heart, fear gripped Nathan, and he felt his breathing start to get heavier and faster.
He was determined not to have a panic attack that night too, he'd already had three that week.
But he could feel his heart racing, and his thoughts start to slip away from him.
Think about anything else! Think about Mark!
Mark. The person Nathan had abandoned. The two of them had been best friends through the football frontier, and now, they were nothing. Nathan still remembered the look in the goalkeepers eyes as he told Mark he was leaving for Royal. The look of despair still haunted him.
He hadn't seen Mark or the rest of Raimon since. But he had relived the moment when he told Mark he was leaving a thousand times, wondering what would happen if he has said something differently.
Nathan noticed that his breathing had slowed, and his heart no longer felt like it was about to break out of his chest. But he noticed something else. Tears were pricking at the corners of his eyes again.
He knew he couldn't fight it, so he grabbed his pillow in his arms and gave in.
The tears flowed freely, falling like a waterfall. He sobbed into the pillow, muffling the sounds of his cries.
For the fifth time that week, he cried himself to sleep, with one thought on his mind.
I don't want to wake up.
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