My Seiko

-Naomi?-

The night seems darker than usual, when suddenly your voice breaks the deep silence of the room. I'm still trying to get used to the fact that you're here by my side, when I usually sleep alone. I turn towards you, slightly smiling. The narrow space that we are sharing doesn't let us do very wide moves, but it's fine. You just decided that you would've slept in my bed, and you did so. I knew I wouldn't have any possibility to win against you, so I didn't even try. Not as I'd wanted to, anyway.
I'm sometimes surprised by how powerless I am when it comes to deal with some of those sudden and...Pretty wacky decisions of yours. But after all "You just can't try to contradict Seiko", as Satoshi once ironically said when you intimated him saying... "treat your woman well". And even if you looked dead serious right then, we couldn't help but bursting out in laughter.This is the first time you sleep over at my place, after all...And being honest, I don't complain staying in the same bed as you. I feel your body so warm against mine, and your regular rhythmic breathing almost calms me down. It's just nice knowing you're here with me.
You stare at me for a second as if you were unsure about something, suddenly lifting yourself and sitting on the bed; turning your gaze at some undeterminated point of the room.
I don't know what happened all of a sudden. We've laughed and joked until we were totally worn out, then we went to bed saying goodnight, hoping to rest well for tomorrow's school festival. We had so many things to prepare, and if we hadn't fallen asleep soon we would have not been able to wake up on time, and we would have to recklessly run at the last minute.
Imagining this made the both of us laugh, soon we gave up on all our good intentions, like we had never had any.
When we finally established a silence such as to allow us to sleep, we knew we couldn't. Moments of absolute silence were alternated to short sentences and senseless jokes, that unavoidably made us giggle.
But suddenly that silence between us deepened, and it did so much that I could hear all the sounds of the night coming in my room through the half closed window. I started to think that you might be starting to get sleepy, while you looked at me winded up in the blanket, probably over thinking.
What now?
-Seiko, are you...Okay?- I ask, quite confused and stuttering. I lift myself up, sitting on the bed as well, hoping our eyes could meet, and I keep mine on yours. You thigten the pillow that you defined as "the fluffiest of the entire world" just a couple of hours ago, and now you hold it as if it were a shield, and becoming a death-or-life matter. I can see in your eyes something I've never seen in you before, and I almost feel powerless not knowing what it could be. It's not how you usually act, and the idea that there could really be something that worries you starts tormenting me.
After a few moments -that seem like an eternity to me- you look at me once more.
-When we grow up, and you get married and have kids... will we still spend time like this, together?- you ask, hesitating, with a bit of sadness painted on your always cheerful and playful face.
Now you're trying to hide your insecurity behind a forced grin; but the tone of your voice betrays your true feelings, and I don't know why you sound like you're about to cry.
Is this what's really going on in your mind? I know something's wrong, something very serious and I know that you're tormenting yourself with it. Why can't you just spit it out?
-Oh, of course Seiko. We're friends after all, aren't we? And we'll always be- I smile and put my hand on your shoulder trying to reassure you -We'll be together forever. I promise-.
You finally return a shy smile.
-Really?-
-Really-.
I see you slightly blushing, but you try to hide yourself behind the pillow you're still hugging. It's strange how, despite the darkness surrounding us, your delicate facial features stand out with the pale light of the moon. For the second time today, I find myself thinking about how you're -subjectively and objectively- beautiful.
You keep this position for I don't know how much time, and I can hear your unstable breath suffocating by that pillow. You're clearly still nervous, but I weirdly feel like I don't need to worry about it anymore, I feel like you'll eventually say what you want to say, when you are ready, in the right moment.
And it's now that, lost in my thoughts, I gently start to stroke your hair with the same hand I put on your shoulder earlier, almost impulsively.
My gesture surprises you, but it calms you down a little bit too. I see a sparkle lighting your eyes that now you keep on mine. I am sure that you want to say something you really die for me to know, something so important that almost oppresses you, pulling apart your spontaneous and expansive personality.
A secret that you've been keeping for so long, maybe being ashamed, not knowing the right way to tell me. Or maybe you simply can't find the courage to do it.
Maybe you're sad? You're sad for some reason, but you have never talked to me about it, or to anybody else. Or, I don't know, you may be hurt or angry? No, you're not angry. It's surely the last thing you would be, and we haven't even quarrelLed lately...What's going on, Seiko? What do you want to tell me?
It's like this, that I slowly start to realize the truth about you. I had probably always had it right in front of me, but now I know that maybe I'm the one that has never been brave enough to admit it, or at least consider it as a possibility.
As if you read my mind, you say my name once more. But this time I know it's different, there's even more hesitation in your words, but it's not just that. Doubt, fear, but also desire to say that sentence once and for all the times you wanted to and just couldn't. -C..can I kiss you?- you finally whisper, confirming all of my insecurities. I feel my heart skip a beat and then speed up all of sudden, gallopping in my chest, freezing for a moment. On the one hand, I knew it would be this, On the other hand, I was sure it was never going to happen.
I keep my gaze ON yours and I just can't turn it, not now, not after that. I haven't misunderstood you, have I? You want to...Kiss me?
A million questions start to torment me, but it's like I can't process any of them. Right now I'm totally focused on you, on you and nothing else but you. My heart is still beating so fast that I can't even tell if it's keeping a regular rhythm or not, but I feel it in my ears and throat.
I know I shoud at least give you an answer. But even though I'm trying to say something, something that wouldn't sound totally wrong, I keep staring at you for a couple of seconds MORE, while the same doubts and questions are still torturing me, without giving me A break.
-Why?- I manage to stutter, way more easily than I expected. I realize just when you look down to avoid my stare, that I've just done what I wanted to avoid.
I didn't want to imply surprise, nor any kind of.. Disgust in my question. I'm not disgusted, or mad, I'm just curious. And probably not that as well, given the obviousness of what you would have told me. But maybe I took a wrong step, and hurt your feelings. How can I remedy to this?
In the following moments of silence I just hope it's not true, that I didn't cause you even more problems than a few moments before.
I want to tell you how sorry I am, and give you a real answer. But swirling around in my head there are only questions, questions, questions. And I just want to get rid of them all.
-Because I love you- You say in the end, and your confidence suprises me more than your confession itself. You immediately regret it and look down once more, trying to hide the fact that you're blushing again.
Now that you have said it, you actually did, I feel like something had suddenly snapped inside me.
Once more I find myself observing you, looking at that face that I've been looking at everyday, every single day of my life. That pyjamas that I lent you tonight, and fits so well on you despite it's obviously too large for your thin body; your long brown hair that you usually keep in order, now all messed up and only vaguely remembering the shape of the curls that you usually have. And even if I know you well enough to remember every detail of yours, I don't think I ever felt such a weird -and entirely new- feeling just standing by your side.
Between us falls again that silence that would have made us terribly embarrassed only a few minutes ago, but not now. Despite all those questions that keep on coming and going in my brain and my heart's still going full speed, everything seems strangely easier now. And I just want to say it back, say that I love you too, even if I don't know what kind of love it might be and for how long it will last. I just want to tell you that everything will be alright, that I don't think you're crazy, because if we have found the courage to admit it just now, we're probably both crazy.
But I simply put my hand on your shoulder again, and you slightly wince while our eyes meet once more. You're surprised, yes, but I am too -it's the first time in my life that I feel this way, not even knowing how to put these feelings in words. Am I scared? Surprised? Happy? I gently pull you closer to me and you don't try to resist, we seem almost coordinated, as two dancers that are getting ready to do their Pas de Deux at the end of the exhibition. But to us, this is only the beginning.
I feel this warmth getting more and more intense as I pull you closer, not even knowing if it comes from your body or mine. It's only when our lips meet for the first time that I realize that if there ever was a moment of warmth in my life, a glimmer of light, a certainty, that's always been you.
I close my eyes. It's so beautiful, after all. I've always thought happiness was some sort of unracheable dream, an illusion, a deceving lie, or something so far and remote that I, alone with my own strenght, would never be able to feel. I thought about this a million times before this moment, but I think I've never imagined in the slightest that I would've found it like this.
We spent our whole lives close together. We went through good, funny, sad and harsh times hand in hand, and I can't help wondering for how long you wanted to tell me how you felt, and for how long I denied it.
I just know that during this almost strangely clear night, surrounded by a pleasant silence, we finally managed to break every barrier between us. And now more than ever I want to stop time, wishing that everything could just stay like this forever. We conclude our awkwardly sweet first kiss simply hugging. And it's hugging that we finally manage to fall asleep after five minutes, overcome by tiredness and our hearts set at ease.
While I look at your smile even prettier under the moonlight -with the last seconds of consciousness before falling asleep- I smile as well, knowing that we would have really been together for life.
My Seiko.