Little Spacehead

1/2

She blows cigarette smoke in my face as i stand silently in front of her. A glass of water in one hand and a birth control pill in the other my stuffed elephant tucked up under my arm as I hand her the items which she takes quickly. Her make up smudged from having her mouth practically abused and face buried in a pillow by a large man. Her nice dress torn and thrown on the floor along with a wad of cash. She smiles weakly at me like shes trying to convince me what shes doing is ok and to not be worried.

"Its all alright 'phelia"

She stares at me for a moment trying to muster up something to say that would help her avoid talking to me about this.

"God mom would be happy to see how beautiful you've become."

She always has to bring her up. Its the only thing that makes her feel like shes not a bad person. That she does this for me. That she does what mom couldnt.

"You know one day when you're older...You'll understand why I do this. And one day you may have to be just like me. I pray you won't but its clear god doesn't care about our family."

She begins to get angry and stands up grabbing the money off the floor. Tossing her dress in the trash.

"Leaving us like this. No mom. No dad. Alone in a house we can barely afford."

She grumbles before snatching my elephant away from me holding its body tightly in her fist.

"You still have this piece of shit! Something that whenever I look at it it reminds me that this is all we have left that wasn't forced upon us! Like who the fuck wants that dumb urn with their ashes? IT'S NOT THE FUCKING SAME!"

She throws the stuffed toy to the ground and I swiftly pick it up dusting it off and she walks over to the window staring out of it gripping the pane till her knuckles are white. She reaches to her bedside and chugs the glass of wine sitting there.

"People look at us and pitty us not looking at us like real people anymore!"

She throws the only wine glass we have left from her previous rampages and I just watch it shatter.

"As if--As if we're some kind of monsters! Like people can't struggle to get by every once in a while! Like they're so fucking perfect."

She punches the tv instantly regretting it. We have insurance but its our 3rd tv this month, 10th tv this year i think the people are getting tired of seeing us.

"Fuck. Ill get a new one. For your birthday so you can still have that party and everyone will think you're so cool for getting a tv yeah? Yeah thats good."

I'm 12 years old. I stopped going to school about 2 years ago cause my sister just stopped taking me after we lost the car. People haven't come to one of my birthday parties since i was 8. My sister feels worse and worse everytime and we just go shopping. I've began to feel nothing anymore just always a blank expression on my face. She hates it but its how i cope with how far we've fallen since we lost mom and dad.

My neighbor Ryan agreed to teach me what he learned since i don't go to school only if i kept bringing him rocks from my garden for his collection. He's my only friend now but then again we've been friends since i was 5 and he was 7 our parents were close and i learn alot from him. From him I learned the meaning of the word crazy. And pain. And anger. All three of those words describe her. My sister. Caroline. 20 year-old. Crazy angry in pain Caroline.

"You'll understand when you grow up Ophelia. You'll understand it all."

I shake my head. I will never understand. I will never be like her. I will never grow up.