Look to the Stars

*First Make-up*

I wake to a tear stained pillow, trying to recall why I had been crying. It is then that I remember what happened last night. I had been going back and forth about whether or not to let myself fall for Silas. Everything, even the stars, were pointing to no, but I yearned for it to be yes.
Every other time I would have followed the direction the stars were telling me, but this time it seemed different. Were the stars wrong? Or were they really trying to warn me of something bad?
   I check my phone and realize he texted me. "Hey, are you okay? I'm really sorry about last night I tried to move too fast. You made it clear that you just wanted to be friends and I need to respect that. Please give me another chance to hang out and I will make it up to you." I read it several times as I drink my coffee. I choose to ignore it and go for a jog instead. I pull on my favorite running shoes and leave without telling my mother or grabbing my phone.
I need the feeling of sweating and being out of breath to exhaust me so that my brain can shut itself off. I try to focus on my breathing as I extend my stride going up a hill. Inhale through mouth. Exhale through nose. Inhale through mouth. Exhale through nose. Maybe I am just overthinking this relationship. I just need to work through it slowly and then... No focus on running. I fight with myself in my head going back and forth. When I stop thinking about my inner conflict, I realize I don't even know where I am.
I mutter a curse under my breath and turn in circles. I collapse in the grass breathing heavy and watching cars pass. I see a car roll by and realize it is slowing down as it approaches me. I realize the car is Silas'.
   "Hey stranger. Need a ride?" He asks with a sluggish smile. He looks like he hasn't slept and his eyes are red from crying.
   "What the hell. Are you following me? How did you know where I was?" I ask releasing all of my stress on him. I know I sound like a complete bitch, but in the moment I don't care. I feel powerful. As bad as that sounds. "And why does it look like you've been crying. Please don't say it is because of what I said. We hung out once, that is not enough to fall in love."
   He goes from faking a smile to mad instantly. The instantaneous change frightens me, I become afraid that he will snap at me for saying something so hurtful and mean. I would understand if he did, I know I deserve it, but I am not ready to back down.
"So I was wrong." He replies with a sympathetic smile and shakes his head with a tisk tisk.
"What are you talking about?" I ask enraged that he isn't upset about me lashing out on him.
"I thought you were different than all of the preppy private school girls. I thought you were actually the one. But I was wrong you are just like them. You think everyone is in love with you and if any one is upset you think it is because of you."
His words jab through me straight to my heart. I collapse back to the grass where I had just been sitting. I realize his words are true and wish I could take back the hurtful things I said to him. Without another word he rolls up his window and drives away, leaving me to navigate my way home alone.
Its dark by the time I reach my house and my mother is infuriated. Great just what I need, to be yelled at by another person today.
"Where were you Astraea Caulkins? I was worried sick. I checked the tracking app, but it showed that your phone was still here." My mother yells, her face getting more red with each syllable.
"You have a tracking app on my phone?" I spit out with twice as much rage than she used. "What's next? A freaking GoPro attached to my forehead?" I do not wait for an answer, instead I march up the stairs to my bedroom, blinded by a wall of tears that I will not release until I am in the privacy of my room. If privacy is even a thing anymore in this hell hole.
I open my phone and the first thing I see is the message from Silas sent this morning. I delete it, expecting that my mother will be up to take it away as punishment. As if on que, there is a knock on my door. I ignore it at first, hoping she will take the clue and leave me alone but then the door swings open.
"Give me your phone,  Astraea." She says trying to sound calm, but I can tell she is still frustrated. I throw it to the edge of the bed and she takes it with a sigh and begins to leave. She turns as if she is going to say something, then shakes her head and leaves.
That night I toss and turn until my alarm clock goes off for school. I grudgingly wake up and pull on the uniform. I don't have the patience to do anything to tame my hair, so I pull it up into a messy bun while my coffee brews. I grab my coffee and take the first sip, instantly all of my muscles loosen, and I take a relaxing breath. I have been addicted to coffee since I was twelve, leaving me at a petit 5'2". My mom has always threatened to take it away because I was drinking too much, but she knew that would be a task that required too much effort.
I know I am going to be late as I drive to school, but today I couldn't care less. I enter my class and I feel Silas watching me as I take my seat. "Glad you decided to join us, Astraea. We are just about to finish up the poems that the class was assigned. Silas was about to give his last, but you may go ahead since you were tardy." My teacher announces to the class.
I roll my eyes while heading to the front of the class to read my poem.

"Photography
-Astraea Caulkins

I look at the world through a lens
Seeing only a small part of the world around.
I see it with my own perspective
Focusing on what I want to look at
And nothing else.
Zooming into what interests me the most
And closing out the rest,
that might affect my image."

"Thank you Astraea, that was very... interesting. Please take a seat." He says without looking up from his grading sheet. "And last, but not least, Silas.
I watch as he makes his way to the front, he glances nervously at me before he begins. He closes his eyes once he begins.

"Look to the Stars.
- Silas
Look to the stars.
You never know what you will find;
An infinite glow to fill the void that envelopes The sky.
An ocean of dazzling creatures shining
Just for you.
Hypnotizing, entrancing, taunting.
Careful not to stare too long,
Their enticing beauty
Leaves you in a hypnotic state
Where all you see when you close your eyes
Are those gleaming lights."

He recites his poem showing the emotion each word deserves, as it rolls off of his tongue. I find myself nearly in tears, remembering how badly I treated him.
   At the end of the day, I follow him out of the building. I notice him heading to the bus so I call out to him. "Hey, you need a ride?" He turns to face me, his face still hurt from what I said the other day. He ignores my question and continues on his way to the bus. "Wait!" I call, running to catch up. I grab his arm to make him stop and it works. "Please listen. I'm truly sorry about everything I said yesterday. I had no reason to be mad at you. I was the one who kissed you. I am just confused about what's happening between us." I confess with as much emotion as I can put into my plea for forgiveness.
  "You were the one that said just friends and you broke your own rule! Then got pissed at me for it! I don't have the strength to put up with that kind of mess in my life right now." He  yells getting more quiet at each sentence. "We only hung out once and already we are fighting like a couple married for fifty years."
  "I know it's my fault. I tend to always break the rules I set for myself. How about I make it up over a coffee." I plea.
   "Fine, but your paying." He answers firmly but then let's a smile creep into the corner of his mouth.