Soft Body

21: Late Night Anxieties

 I could feel the temperature begin to drop as I walked towards my apartment, a boozed up Tucker half-running behind me. I had told him to come with me. I didn't know what I was doing.

Or rather, I did. Liz was on another weekend trip with her sugar daddy, so the apartment was all mine. I could have Tucker any way I wanted, all over the place. My hormones were screaming. He was so close, and in this condition, so easily mine. I flirted all night. I gave him all the yes signals. I was ready to leave him to get his own car, but when he called to me, I couldn't say no. He made me hot and I wanted him.

Yet for once, my brain yelled at me to be responsible. He was my boss, and a genuinely nice guy. What did I need from him that no one else could give me? A paycheck.

I needed him to give me a paycheck more than I needed to sleep with him, no matter how much I wanted that to happen. Even if I did like him. Even if he wanted it too.

My thoughts began to slip into the spiral of what-ifs that sometimes kept me in bed for days. The flutters of the wine turned to heat in my bloodstream. It felt like the night Liz and I went to the club.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

I built a wall in my thoughts as I felt Tucker's arm bump mine. I couldn't have a panic attack, not now, anyway. I decided that if I changed the subject, I could keep myself from thinking about how much I wanted Tucker and all the other anxiety-inducing thoughts that went along with it, like how he'd probably fire me, or keep me as a secret slam piece for when he was bored. All men were prone to it, including ones as nice as Tucker. I'd learned to stop taking it personally. They'd be willing to have sex with me, but when it came to publicly admitting they liked me? Forget it.

And that was fine.

"So, did anyone else step up to cover those overnights?" The words were flat coming out of my mouth. Work was a total boner killer, right?

Tucker blinked at me slowly, like he was crashing back to earth and that he wanted to be asleep immediately. "Oh. Jackie said you wanted to do it?"

He shoved his hands into his pockets. I walk a few steps in silence. "Yeah, I could use the money."

His head perked up and I notice that he has freckles, as if he isn't dreamy enough. "They're yours if you want them... I'd probably be around a couple nights. Make sure you're safe and all."

He let out a big yawn. I yawn in reply and notice we're in front of my building.

"Hey... We made it here. I'm gonna go up now. Thanks for everything. Are you sure you'll make it home okay?" I asked to be polite. I wanted to go upstairs as fast as I could, enjoy my solitude, and decrease my skyrocketing blood pressure. I still felt uneasy.

"Um, yeah." Tucker's eyes were half open. There was no way he would make it back home.

So I decided to be a good, hospitable Christian and let him into my home.

I know, I know. It's short. But it'll get good real soon. Promise. In the meantime, drop a vote or comment. Even if it's just to say hi, or that you hate that I'm making you wait. Loveeee youuuuuu.