Artbook 7

My emotions were a mess today

So my emotions were horrible today for stuff I won't mention. But I guess I thought it be right to share what I wrote. This is very personal to me if there are Grammer errors I'm sorry Grammer Nazi out there. Anyway here it is please I don't want arguments in the comments. I'm simply showing my thoughts earlier :

I've heard the phrase again. “ You don't Understand my pain “ why is it always that phrase. Why does no one believes me except 2. I don't have to be in someone's shoes to feel their pain. Because I already do instantly when they talk to me. That's all it takes. This Job will be the end of me one day. That's what I know. I feel like I'm running in circles. I'm trying to be all that I've been dreaming of. And that's to be the best person I can be for people. But even then that's not enough. That means nothing. People only forget you. Those especially in pain.

Today, I've learned my feelings aren't the main priority. Never has. Those at school ask me how I am. I say “ just fine “ when that's obviously not true. I hide my feelings from them because I feel to not trust them. They are more like those you go to, you know them, you socialize. Though, there is one who understands alittle whom I can never help. I simply wait it out. Sometimes I feel I'm not just a person. I'm something else. Something else is there. It's strong and pulling at the strings telling me how I should be. It's nothing evil, nothing good. It's nuetral. Sometimes it's stronger than that. Emotions to people at my school mean nothing. I can never tell those what's wrong with me. They will be put through torture constantly and I can't have that. My frustration, from experience is too much for a normal person to handle. And so I must hold it all in.

Sometimes, I think about those I helped and happier they are then...Their suffering changes that completely. It's as the words ‘’ your important to me “ never went through to them. I'm a distant thought. Only there to waist time. Should I not be here? Is that what that pull at me is telling me? Maybe so..I've thought about sleep. Sleeping for a long time. For days and soon waking up. Confused. Numb. Someone I know has told me I don't want to go through that. But some part would love that. To be in an abyss of darkness and not wake up for awhile. I'd get away..I'd get away from the pain people think is my life surrounded by happiness. Would it change anything? Would it feel like a burst of purification? I don't know.. but I'd like to black out. Just for three days. This world is a messed up place.

None understand except the two I found. This job I can't quit. I'm cursed into it. And so I sit in a classroom full of people whom don't have claws pulling at them to silence themself. Hold the pain. Don't cry. Head up. Smile. Even those in pain from a loss. Forced depressions. They don't understand. I don't even understand. No one can. God, why can't you let me sleep? Please..That's all I want. Let my body numb itself and my thoughts fade softly. That's all I wish for. All the weight on me I must hold but it slowly pushes me. I force a smile, a laugh. My happiness...Am I not strong enough? I wish someone told me. Was the boy you have to me to love going to suffer just as I if I tell him my problems? Maybe..I'm scared. Why won't someone help me? Can I never be helped? I suppose not. I hope I sleep. Sleep for a long time. And never wake up until I'm ready...