i have a good feeling about this. it may actually be therapeutic for me.
so, i've always had a weird relationship with sex and all that stuff. for instance, writing it it's fine, but i can't even bring myself to say it outloud, i'd feel so not comfortable.
i used to think like "if she's pregnant she must have had sex, gross" and honestly, i still find it... disgusting ?
i don't even know how to describe it, but i guess that it's also a part of being asexuals for some (not for everyone though).
a bit more than a year ago, it was january '16 i saw a guy on youtube that said he was demisexual (he's evan edinger). since i didn't quite get the difference between sexual, romantic and aesthetic attraction then (i still don't completely get it now), i though i was demisexual*** too.
but then i saw another video from jonah oliver where he explained what asexualiy was and also what ace rings were. i also looked up on wikipedia and the a.v.e.n website, and i though "man,THAT'S what i am, there are other people like me, this is a thing, i'm not just weird or something".
so you'd expect me to be completely accepting with myself, because it's fucking damn obvious that i'm ace, wouldn't you? but the problem is that it's not actually like that.
lately i've been trying to avoid the thought of it, but having a crush made me realize that i don't accept my own sexuality. i've also been feeling the same about my gender identity, sometimes I JUST WANT TO HAVE AN EASIER WAY TO SEE THINGS, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THIS COMPLICATED AND like why can't i just be straight or even lesbian or bi, but at least something's that more "known" and documented.
the majority of people won't even know what asexuality is, and in our society sex is seen as one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship. when i was watching glee, they dedicated MORE THAN FOUR episodes on just virginity, being ready and sex in general. and there i was, crying in a corner, because fuck if sex is so important in a relationship, will i ever be able to have one that doesn't involve sex?
this thought obsessed and terrifies me at the same time, and trust me when i say it's not a pleasing one.
i'm scared to come out because i'm afraid i won't be accepted, and how the hell can i expect to be accepted when i'm not in the first place??
sometimes i don't even think about it, because i would LOVE to be proud of who i am,, educating people around me and having a healthy relationship with my sexuality, but i just cant.
what should i even do?
***since asexual is an "umbrella term", there can also be different kinds of asexuality, e.g grey-asexuality and demisexuality. they're a bit different from actual asexuality, but, of course, they're still valid identities.
