Hoodini's Randomness

These songs...

Those songs aren't only good (in my opinion) they're are kinda about how I'm feeling right now too...

Gianna knows how I feel but, I'll tell you all too.

So for the past few days I've been having these mixed feelings, like I want to push the people that make me happy away. I feel that I've hurt and made people cry so much in my almost 17 years of living (I'll be 17 on Saturday). I want to just not let people around me who make me happy, I know I've been hurting the one person who truly loves and cares for me. I told her I want to distance myself from people who make me happy because I don't deserve happiness...

But on the other hand, I feel like I need to be around people who make me happy. I want to cry because of how I'm feeling... I'm so confused and conflicted, that I'm kinda going insane. Its just so hard to know what I truly want. I have such an amazing girlfriend too, because instead of getting mad and saying "no do this" she agrees and told me if it makes me happy... I can't express how much she means to me, but I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't want her to fall with me.

She deserves better, she deserves someone who lives in the same state as her, who'll always be there for her. I'm not always there when she needs me the most and it hurts knowing that she's in pain and I can't hug or kiss her, to tell her everything is going to be okay. I know she's reading this and I know she's gonna text me asking why didn't I tell her I'm feeling like this, but I just can't knowing its gonna hurt her.

We started dating November 25th, 2016. She asked me out once before, but I basically said no because I just got out of a relationship with an he who shall not be named; and no its not Voldemort (don't know how to spell his name) I've had such an amazing 3 almost 4 months with her but I'm hurting because I really need her in my arms right now.

I hate being so far from each other and I hate long distance relationships, but I love her and I don't know what to do...

IF YOU'RE NOT PYRO/GIANNA AKA MY GIRLFRIEND DON'T READ PAST THIS PLEASE!!

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I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I was truly feeling. I just don't have the guts to say it all to you because I'm scared. I think the real reason I've been feeling like this is because of your "friend" she really hurt me with what she said and I just can't seem to get over it. So what I'm doing is distancing myself from not only you but people who're close to me and that make me happy. I don't like being hurt, I don't like it when others hurt me or the people I love. And to top it all off, I've been having nightmares about going to jail because I'm considered a pedophile. And the things they do to me in my dream makes me want to throw up, they beat me, rape me; all because I was 18 dating a 14 year old. I know age doesn't matter but I've been losing so much sleep over it, I've literally tried everything. I've tried a different sleeping position, listening to music, listening to waves, etc; its not working. I'm sorry if I'm hurting you, I'm sorry if you're crying because of me, but this is how I feel and I just needed to get it off my chest. I just couldn't text you it because I know I would delete the whole message and not respond to anything for awhile. I'm such a fucking shitty person and I'm so sorry.

~Wrote at 5:13 AM