Hunter's Chance

t h i r t y - s i x

Raegan (djfaldkjfklsajfdlsafjasdklfdsja;lfkdajflksa) 

I had been reluctant and scared and fiercely naïve, all rolled into one. So quickly I was able to learn that I needed to watch where I trip rather than blame the fall and it became obvious to me that it never mattered that fate virtually wasn't on my side, because whatever way you slice it, this was all on me.

Well, I did it anyway. I enveloped my feelings, sealed the deal and put it all out there with the letter and as far as I'm concerned, I've done my part. I could finally wipe my hands clean of this and I could go on having zero regrets. But say I did... Have regrets, would that be so bad? I stirred on this as I took a step towards the floor length mirror in front of me, bringing my lip liner up to my mouth and lining the edges before taking my finger and smudging the color in. There, I thought to myself as I stepped back and glanced at myself in the mirror. That will have to do. I slide my arms through my leather jacket and bend down to tie my boots.

My boots are worn. Making it so that they slide on easily and almost so much, that the little holes on the sides are beginning to form together. What a funny feeling, having those small airways to breathe. So easily I could find ways to relate this to myself. Where there is all this extra room, is how I feel in my life. I wiggled myself through enough times that I developed all of this extra space as if I were constantly trying to overcompensate for something. And just when he came into my life, filling the voids, it was as if everything finally fit perfectly.

Cass is sitting with her legs draped over Trevor's when I approach the living room. He's got his head nuzzled into her neck and she's giggling like a school girl. It probably wasn't my best decision to agree to going out with the two of them but Cass also promised a night of fun and what with the big hole carved in my chest, I felt deserving.

"Ready?" I ask, standing in the doorway with my arms folded over my chest. Cass immediately pushes off the couch and straightens herself out. "Oh please, don't stop on my account." I tease.

"Shhh!" She says as she brushes past me. "I just have to grab my coat and we'll go." She's embarrassed?

Trevor and I make eye contact then and shrug as if agreeing that neither of us dare to understand her because someone like Cass is absolutely impossible to comprehend. She houses all of the qualities that a girl like me wishes she could. I don't know there is just something about how she can so easily translate with her body language what she can't vocally express that has me envious. She wears her heart on her sleeve and owns it. All while I own the cold and barely beating one in my chest.

So I could admit that I miss James. I could also tap into that vulnerability that has left me riddled with loneliness and pain. I'm not sure, I guess I could relate it to walking on the beach, toes in the sand, purposely avoiding the water just to have the waves come crashing down on me. And the thought that he doesn't want me back makes me break a little inside.

He took me there and all I had to blame was that my heart, as it broke, showed nothing but a sign of being loved. It lived, it went to where it needed to go to felt what it needed to feel and I was just its host at the beckoning of what it longed for. Though, my head was on a completely different understanding of where we were going, I would like to believe that at some point, they were on the same page.

Just then, there is a knock at the door. "Expecting someone?" I ask Trevor just as he shakes his head. Cass left him sitting on the couch like the good boy that he is and so easily, I could pay homage to him. Sit back and admire the submissive personality that is Trevor, but I prefer the brooding, never-knowing-what-you're-going-to-get, man that I once had. I shake my head at the thought and reach for the door.