The small life of my son Grayson. SIDS awareness.
this is a book containing infant death and depression. read at your own risk.
( based on a true story )
Names have been changed for the safety of family members.
I put Grayson to bed in his crib like any normal night. Kissing him on his head and letting him sleep. I went to be right after and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. The nightmare began sometime that night.
I just want to make it clear that his crib was empty. Nothing but him in his pajamas inside. He was laying on his back just like they tell you. And yet this happened. There was nothing I could've done. There was no way for me to know he'd die in that crib that night. I woke up at 7am when my alarm went off and immediately knew something was wrong. Grayson didn't wake me up at all last night. He always wakes up at least once. Unfortunately I was right. I looked on his crib and found my baby boy completely lifeless. He was blue and not breathing. I called 911 and tried cpr but I was too late. He'd been gone for a few hours. My baby was dead. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? The questions circled my head as I watched the paramedics give up. They pronounced him dead and gave up just like that. I held his cold lifeless body and cried. I cried for the life he should've gotten. I cried for him. I cried because my baby was dead. I cried because he was only 22 days old.
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As they took his body from me and took it away I sobbed. Without him what would I do? Could I manage living? Grayson Lee was never going to open his eyes again. He'd never smile, he'd never crawl, he'd never walk or talk. He'd never grow up. It was all taken from him. At 22 days old. He was still so little. Still had so much to learn and experience. They preformed an autopsy about 2 weeks later. After his funeral. And they found nothing wrong. His cause of death was SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. And that was it. They wanted to bury him immediately, so I had to quickly decide on my babies headstone. My BABIES headstone. I shouldn't have to say that. I shouldn't be burying him. I should be holding him and celebrating a new beginning. I shouldn't have to watch a small casket be put in the ground. I shouldn't have to go home without my baby. I shouldn't have had to go home to his empty room he'd never get to use. I never should've had to say goodbye.
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I love you
Mommy, mommy, please don't cry. I'm in heaven now, so dry your eyes. God is keeping me safe and warm, just as you did from the day I was born. We don't know for sure why this happened to me, but in your heart, mind and soul I will always be. We need to cherish the memories, till the day you're here with me. Think of all the times you made me laugh, and smile. That should make you feel better mommy.. just for awhile? Even though I passed away so young, I'm still living mommy, and still so strong. You made me the little boy I am today, now let God take over he has his ways. I'm an Angel now mommy, watching over you, So please don't hurt or cry, I will feel it too. Oh I wanted to let you know I have received my wings, When we see each other again, I will teach you how to use these things. I want you to laugh mommy, and I will too, I know its so hard and you can't feel my touch, but just remember mommy, I LOVE YOU
