Losing her

The Note

    The details of Lucy's suicide hit my in the gut. I ran over to her house as soon as I got the call, and they hadn't taken her body yet. Her parents took her down from were she hung, wet blood still clinging on to her cold body, dripping onto the purple bed spread I got her for her birthday. I threw myself to her side, clinging to her like a child to it's mother, desperate to give her some of my warmth, just to make her warm was all I could think of. I kept thinking, "She'll breath if she's warm."  It didn't matter how much warmth I gave her, she was never coming back. 

    I was the one to find the suicide letter in her bathroom, in an envelope, and taped to the mirror. Since I was the one to find it I got to read it. Every word I saw punched me in the gut and stabbed my heart. 

    "I'm not sure how to start this. So I'm sorry mom and dad so I'm starting with my best friend. Abby. I'm sorry I never told you the truth. I lied all the time. Telling you how happy I was, showing you my smiles. I never told you how sad I was, all the time. I never told you how bad my depression was. It didn't matter who I was around, something always told me I wasn't wanted, or needed. I'm sorry I've been a sucky best friend, keeping secrets and all. Truth is that I've wanted to do this for a while. 

      You made everything better, asking me to model for your pictures, giving me your pottery, laughing at my dumb jokes, complimenting me all the time. It made me happy. Lance made me happy too. You guys made life a little more bearable. It wasn't enough though... and it wasn't anything you guys did. I'm failing most of my classes. The principle told me I wouldn't be graduating this year, I got rejected from the college we wanted to go to together, The paintings of mine that were sold, the money went to the school. I just got fired from one of my jobs because my manager kept harassing me and I told him no.

      I'm just causing my parents more debt. They'd be better off with two kids instead of three anyways. Mom, I'm sorry that I caused so much debt with my sicknesses. I kept some money safe in my account, you know how to get into, it should be able to pay it all off, if not, then most of it. Dad, I'm sorry I wasn't the little boy you wanted, but I hope that you can raise Simon well. Katie and Simon, You guys probably don't understand right now but the world made things hard for me. Just ask Abby, she should be able to help you through anything. I probably could have gotten better if I just told her, but I wanted everything to myself so I wouldn't bother anyone. Please let anyone know if you're sad... and let them help you.

    Lastly. Lance. Baby. I love you and I always will. You were the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. I just wasn't perfect for you like you were for me. I know it sounds crazy, but I hope you move on. May I suggest Abby? She's going to need someone to lean on and you two are strong enough to get over me together. I thought you two would make a cute couple for a while now too. You guys always play your online games together, and made great friends. Abby could use your help when she photographs animals. I love you, but forget me, please. 

     I'm sorry this might be sudden. Thank you for trying to make me happy, and thank you for trying to be there for me. I love you all. Good luck through this game we call life." 

    I hardly got through the first paragraph before I let myself fall to my knees. I read through it, gasping for breath as I cried. I felt like I was punched in the gut. When i finished I pushed the papers to my face, took a deep breath, and screamed. I yelled, wanting to throw my pain out through my voice. Hoping that maybe she could hear us. Aiden stood in the door way, not understanding what was happening. He looked up to his dad, who's eyes leaked tears, and asked him the question I wondered myself. "Why is Lucy still sleeping? When will she wake up."  It made me scream more when I heard her father's answer "She won't wake up... Not ever again..." Hearing his voice crack sent chills through out my whole body. 

     It got worse when they came for her body. They tried to lift her off the bed but I clung to her still. Her mother did too. All Lance could manage was sobbing at the end of her bed, clutching her sheets like if he held on tight enough they wouldn't take her. We were all crying. Even Katie hugged some part of Lucy. Her favorite stuffed animal that their dad gave to her when she was Katie's age. it was promised to Katie when Lucy moved out. Guess that Lucy's moving out. Eventually they asked Lance to hold me back because I kept getting in the way. He did. He pulled me into him, and kept my hands to my chest. He kept whispering that he was sorry, but I couldn't focus on him. I kept screaming. I kept crying. I felt like I was dying. I just lost a part of me that I could never get back. 

      I don't know where they took her, or what they did to her. I never asked for details. All I knew or needed to know was when her funeral was. I never wanted to lose someone close to me. I don't think she understood how much we all loved her. I don't think she realized how much changed when she left.