Losing her

Funeral

     Getting ready for a funeral is not exactly how I planned my Friday night, not on Monday that was, but Tuesday... Well I lost my best friend. Now I'm standing in front of a mirror, smoothing down my black dress, fixing my makeup even though I knew I was going to cry. In my hand, instead of a purse, I held the folded piece of paper that I wrote what I'd say on. I'd memorized it but I wanted to bring it with anyways. 

     A soft knock at my door let me know Lance was here. Lucy used to be the one that did his ties, but now I am. I fixed his tie and messed with his hair slightly all in silence. After that we sat on my bed. My bed is now covered in Lucy's stuffed animals. I left the record playing for a little big longer. Lucy's mom gave me almost everything of Lucy's, including the hair pieces I gave her. I don't know why she gave them to me, I have short hair. 

    Soon a yell from my mom brought me back to earth, and apparently Lance too. He got up and turned off the record player, and then helped me up. Ever since Tuesday I haven't spoke much. I lost my voice after how much I screamed. I stopped going to school. I stopped eating. I stopped taking pictures. Lance kept me company for the most part. Coming by after school with the homework that he ended up doing anyways, teaching me what he was doing so I could understand what we were doing.  

      When we weren't doing homework we were sitting on my floor, looking at the paintings Lucy gave me that were on my ceiling. Listening to her favorite record. In almost complete total silence. We never really spoke much to each other except for asking if he could have some food or teaching me what I needed to know from school. Eventually he stopped asking for food or drinks and just ended up getting up and getting them himself. 

   We got in his car and followed my mom's car to the graveyard. When we pulled up, I could hardly contain myself. Seeing that black casket, right next to that headstone. The one that said her name. Lucy Johnson. Loving daughter. I was so upset that they only said that. They could have put her favorite lyric she told me she wanted as a tattoo, maybe her favorite short poem. All they could manage was her name and "Loving daughter, sister, girlfriend" I suppose it's all in the money. 

      When we walked up to Lucy's family her mom and dad hugged me, and thanked me for coming. I noticed Katie standing off to the side and I went to hug her. Lucy's grandma greeted me with tears in her eyes "Thank you for taking care of my dear Lucy" I smiled and nodded though my only thought was that I wasn't enough to save her. He didn't have to say so but I'm  pretty sure Lance felt the same as I did. 

     After a bit I was able to make a speech. When I got up there I wasn't sure what to say because it all got jumbled up. I refolded my paper and stuffed it in my dresses pocket. "I can't figure out how to say this. I'm sorry. I wasn't able to be there when she needed me, I wasn't told that she did need me. But I'm about to tell you a story..." I told my story about the girl I once knew. "The most beautiful, perfect, amazing girl that lays before you was my best friend, she was everything I ever wanted to be, but she was more like a sister to me. I'm just sorry I couldn't save her." 

     I started choking up during my little speech I knew I wanted to scream more but that it would be a bad idea to. I looked at the closed black casket. My best friend was in the little box that would soon be in the ground, and I didn't know what else to say. I was never prepared for this type of thing in life. I was taught animals die and that was the biggest loss I would receive. No one told me how much it would hurt to lose a human who was so close to me, only later to find out that we weren't as close as I thought us to be. 

     I let my tears fall, but I didn't allow myself to fall apart. I needed to be strong for the family of my best friend. I just lost one of my best friends, but they just lost their daughter, sister, and girlfriend. I wanted to raise her back from the dead to tell her how much they missed her, and wished they knew so they could help more. How much they regret not noticing. How much they hurt. I wanted to tell her, that people cared, that she wasn't alone, that we needed her as much as she needed us. But it's too late for that now. 

    I wiped away my tears and Katie got up from her seat and came to hug me, tears soaking into my black dress. I hugged her back as tight as I could while she wept "I'm here" I whispered to her. It was all I could say. I couldn't say it'd be okay. She just lost her sister! It won't be okay ever again, but it's not like I could say that to a little girl who just lost her one person to talk to. Lucy was the only person Katie would confide in with her girl problems. Their mother wasn't very good with advice and such, but Lucy did perfect with those type of things. 

I want to be here for this family. I want to pull them together, and help them get through losing their special family member. I needed to be there for her siblings. I could have easily walked away, saying it was harder for me. I could have acknowledged my depression, and let it take over, joining Lucy. But I didn't. I stayed strong and I had help getting through this horrible tragedy. I missed Lucy horribly. I still do.