Becoming Bad Again

Chapter 1

"- And that's a wrap!" The studio manager gushed. She was a tall, brunette that laughed too loud. Honestly, I could never remember her name even if I tried. I just don't care right now. Maybe if she actually noticed me I might try to flirt, but that never happens. Anyone can hold a pair of drumsticks.

I got out my phone as I waited for the next part of our session to start. First, there's vocals. Then, we record the instrumentals separately. Luke had just finished singing his last line, and quite honestly he looked out of breathe. Poor kid.

I'm just here to play the drums. I looked at my phone. I had countless texts from my mum and Lauren, but I just ignored those like usual. I'm fine and they just worry way too much. I scrolled aimlessly through Twitter. I wasn't even reading the posts. It's just like sometimes you have to be doing something or the next thing you know everyone thinks you're sad or depressed.

I've noticed that I've been more negative lately. I don't know where it came from, but oh well. I don't see anything actually wrong with being negative. You're just putting the world in a more realistic perspective.

"Earth to Ashton!" I'm suddenly aware of someone waving their hands in my face. I blink and look up to see Calum smirking down at me.

"Wave that hand one more time, Calum. I just dare you to." I growled. I didn't feel like his nonsense today. I just want to go home and lay in bed.

"Feisty. I love it." Calum snickered causing me to groan. "That's what you get. I've been trying to get your attention for five minutes."

"You have."

"I swear. How does this band even function with so many blondes in it?" Calum sassed.

"What did you want?" I decided to ask him, already dreading his answer.

"Oh we're done for the day. The other studio manager had some crisis he needed to attend to." He explained.

"Good to know." I snarked, standing up to leave. I left Calum standing there in confusion. I walked out into the parking lot to see Luke resting his eyes against the wall.

As my luck would have it, Luke popped his eyes open to see me just as I was passing by.

"Ashton?" Luke stopped me. "Where are you going? Usually we all eat after recording for so long."

"Just not feeling well today. You guys can go without me."

"You sure?" Luke asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine don't worry about me." I waved him off. "Oh, by the way, Calum was inside saying something about blondes and your intelligence..."

"He what now? Calum!" Luke immediately ran off to murder the poor, sassy boy in question.

I tried to smile at the sight, but I could only sigh instead. I don't know what was wrong with me today. I guess I was just too sad to really enjoy life.

I couldn't let this happen again. I had worked so hard to dig myself out of the rut the last time I fell in it. I couldn't let things become that bad again. I don't think I'll make it out again. Not this time.

I sighed and bit my lip. I couldn't isolate myself right now. I turned around and walked back inside to where my friends were.

"Ashton was really cranky today." I overheard Michael say right before I was going to walk in.

"Yeah." Calum agreed. "I thought he was going to bite my head off for a minute there."

"Guys, just..." Luke sighed. "I don't know. You know how Ashton can be."

I chose then to silently walk back into the room. If they are going to talk about me, I at least wanted to be in the room for it.

"Ash!" Luke exclaimed nervously. "I thought you went home."

"I changed my mind...if That's okay." No one spoke up at that point. I laughed humorously to myself. "Well, then, this is awkward. I guess I'll just catch up to you guys later." I quickly turned and left before my tears had the chance to fall. I couldn't let them see me crying. I had a dark past, but I'm better now. I'm just having a bad day today. That's it.

Yeah. Ashton keep lying to yourself.

-

I made my way home eventually, but I still just felt off. I glanced at my phone again when I heard it ding. Another text from my mother. I decided I should probably call her back, but I just wasn't in the right emotional sate at the moment. I decided a quick text would be sufficient enough.

"I'm doing fine Mum. Just been really busy lately with the new album and everything. Promise I'll call you soon!"

That should do it for now. My mother had always chosen to act like I'm fine, even if I'm clearly not. I don't blame her for that. I was a really messed up kid with no friends. I was a huge disappointment to her, but she came through for me in the end. After she found out I self-harmed she got me the help I needed. I don't know where I would be without her.

I was pretty selfish at that time. I know it probably wasn't the easiest coming home to find out your son had overdosed on sleeping pills he shouldn't have even owned. I was a screwed up mess, but she was patient with me and I'll forever be grateful to her for that.

It wasn't just her that helped. Luke, Calum, and Michael basically forced me to accept their help after they found the first few cuts. I pushed them away more than anything and even threatened to leave the band at one point.

I deserved less than the life I'm living. That was for sure. I have a great family and amazing friends. I wake up everyday thankful for having them in my life, but sometimes I feel like it just isn't enough. I feel like the bad feelings are still there. I just feel more or less empty and on those days I don't know how to handle that.