Becoming Bad Again

Chapter 8

"I can't do this." I whisper-yelled, turning to Calum. We were currently waiting for our interview to start, and I was having a mini-panic attack at the thought of what was about to happen. I was a nervous wreck and even Luke was starting to give me looks of pity.

"Yes, you can Ash." Calum sighed for the tenth time since we got here. "The first sign of you being uncomfortable and the subject is supposed to change."

"I don't know about this." I sighed, bringing my hand up to my mouth to bite my nails nervously. Luke immediately reached over and swatted my hand away.

"Ash, just calm down already. You're going to be fine."

Would I be fine? No, I don't think this is a good idea. I felt my panic starting to rise in my chest as I started to have a full-blown panic attack. I knew I was starting to hyperventilate at this point, but I chose to ignore it and try to hide it from my band-mates instead of being a big baby about it. I could handle a tiny panic attack, no matter how much I didn't want to. I had to be strong. That was something I haven't been doing a good job at lately.

I stood up and started to pace back and forth with my hands pulling at my hair as I started to hyperventilate even harder. This definitely caught everyone's attention. I didn't care, though. The only thoughts I had in my head were, "I can't do this!" And "everyone is going to hate me for this!" Those thoughts just kept repeating in my head until another, more prominent thought entered my head.

"I need to cut." I had accidentally said out loud, when it was meant to only be inside my head. I was met by the three sets of wide eyes that belonged to my band mates. Before that, they hadn't even been paying attention to what I was doing.

"Ashton," Calum spoke in a slow, comforting voice. "You need to calm down and breathe."

"Can't!" I argued, as I again started to hyperventilate even harder. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor and Michael was restraining me. "Let go of me!"

"No, Ash!" Michael yelled, "Not until you calm down."

"I don't need to calm down, Michael. Not when you and Luke hate me. Maybe I should just quit this stupid band anyways. It's not like anyone actually cares about whether or not I stay and if I quit I can't do this stupid interview!" Michael let go of me and stormed out of the room in anger. I had obviously said something to make him angry, so he removed himself from the situation just like usual. He may not have realized that was what he was doing, but I could easily recognize that. Years of therapy had ensured that I had all of the pieces I needed to not let a situation overwhelm me.

Yet, here I was. I was sitting in a room minutes away from revealing my flaws to everyone watching. I felt like I was caged in. Exactly like how I felt when my Mum forced me into therapy after the first time I tried to kill myself. I felt like I was being judged, like no matter what I did, nothing could possibly get better. I had hit rock bottom again, but this time I had purposely driven away my support system.

How idiotic could one person get? I could have reached out but I didn't. I didn't want help when I needed it the most. I wanted to hit that point, so I didn't have to struggle through the pain. I had given up before I had even started the fight. That was nothing short of pathetic and cowardly.

"Guys?" I called out to my remaining band mates. It was time that I fixed this mess. For good. "I think I'm ready to have that interview now."

"I'll go get Michael!" Luke hurriedly volunteered, before racing out of the room. I was left all alone with Calum. He gave me a questioning look, so I raised an eyebrow at him in return.

"Why the sudden change of heart?" He asked. I smiled at him before shrugging my shoulders.

"Why not? This couldn't go on forever. We all know that." I replied.

"I'm not following, Ashton." Calum admitted.

"We make choices everyday, Calum, but what we don't realize is that every choice we ever make has a real impact on us whether or not it's now or in the future. It could be a small choice and it could be a large choice, but honestly we just don't know what sort of impact we cause when we make those choices. I made the choice of not asking for help and that was one of my biggest mistakes. I let myself hit rock bottom and now I'm paying the consequences."