Becoming Bad Again

Chapter 2

I woke up to my phone ringing the next day. I don't know who thought it was a good idea to call me, but they were going to regret it.

"What do you want?!" I yelled into the phone.

"Hello to you too, Ashy!" Michael's voice came through my phone.

"What do you want, Michael. I'm trying to sleep!" I groaned.

"Sleep? Ash it's 2pm. Have you been asleep all day?"

"What?" I sat up and looked at my phone. It was indeed 2pm. I had went to sleep at 10pm. I hadn't slept this much in a long time. Not since I was really bad. Back then, all I did was sleep.

"-Ash! Ashton! I swear if you don't answer me I'm coming over!" I was snapped out of my thoughts by Michael's voice yelling at me.

"Yeah, Mikey. Sorry, I didn't realize I slept so long. What did you want anyway?" I asked.

"You don't remember what today is?" Michael dead-panned. I thought hard. Nothing seemed to come to mind.

"Can't say I do." I could literally hear Michael slapping his hand against his face. I must have forgotten something pretty important.

"Band meeting. Pizza. Just forget it. I'm picking you up, so hurry up and get ready." Michael ordered before the line went dead. I had obviously made him angry about something.

It was almost 2:30, so I decided to skip showering. I didn't want to make Michael wait on me. I got dressed in some ripped, black skinny jeans and a plain black t-shirt before walking into my bathroom to brush my teeth and try to get my curly hair in order.

I couldn't help but let my gaze drop down to my exposed wrists. They looked so clean. I never got the courage to cut that deep, so most of the scars have faded into nonexistence. The scars that remain are tiny white lines that you have to actually look for in order to see them. They serve as a reminder to never let myself become that person again. I hate the person I used to be, and as far as I'm concerned he's dead. I refuse to ever become him again. Besides, I tell my fans not to cut. How would they feel if I went and started doing it again?

"Pathetic." I whispered to myself. It was the truth. I was pathetic. I was a monster that sucked the happiness away from my friends and family.

"Ashton?"

My head snapped up at the soft, whisper of my name. I was met with the wide eyes of a worried Michael. I don't know if he saw or heard that or not, but I really hoped he didn't.

"Hey man, how'd you get in?" I smiled at him. Who cares if it is a fake smile? I'm not the only one with depression. Michael struggled with it as well, so I knew I couldn't let him down. I had to be strong for him. He just recently got over his, so I didn't want to bother him with my struggles.

"You left the door unlocked again. I thought we talked about that."He stated. His eyes flickered down to my wrists briefly, but I caught the movement and shoved some bracelets I kept by my sink on. I don't always wear bracelets, but today I was feeling extra self-conscious and needed them.

"Oops." I chuckled. "I'll be fine. Have you seen these guns? They'll scare away any robber that even thinks of breaking in!"

"Ashton." Michael's eyes were grim despite my corny joke. "Are you-"

"So pizza and banding? Sounds like fun!" I cheered, completely cutting him off. I quickly rearranged my hair and grabbed my keys, Michael following behind me. He stepped out first and waited for me to lock my door. I couldn't help but notice the worried looks he kept shooting me on the way to his car.

This was going to be a fun ride!
-
I was right. The car ride was awkward and silent. Michael had tried to talk to me about what happened, but I kept changing the subject or answering with a joke so he eventually gave up.

Gave up on me.

I shivered at that thought. I try not to think like that, but sometimes the negativity gets the best of me. What can I say? I'm just a negative guy.

"About time you showed up, Ash!" Calum smirked. Michael and I had finally arrived inside the pizza parlor we were banding in.

"Calum and I had time to run back to Australia and back, waiting for you!" Luke joked.

"Haha very funny." I smiled, showing my dimples.

"Yea. Funny." Michael repeated. Calum and Luke looked at him out of concern. I just wanted to crawl a in a hole and die. It was obvious Michael was upset, and this time I'm the one who upset him.

"Okay then." Calum blanched, "We went ahead and ordered some pizza..."

"Can't wait! Mickey didn't exactly give me time to eat." I pouted, trying not to betray my true emotions. The feeling of emptiness was back, and I didn't want them to know.

"Shouldn't of been staring at your scars for so long, then." Michael bit out.

"Michael..." I was taken aback. I didn't think he'd mention it in front of Calum and Luke, but I guess he felt like he had to.

"I don't want to hear it, Ashton." Michael seethed. "I know what I saw and I didn't like it one bit."

"I was reflecting. That's it. I promise." I tried, but Michael had already shut me out. Calum was shooting daggers at me by now, as he tried to comfort Michael. Luke was merely shooting me a sympathetic look. That's why I hate myself sometimes. I can ruin everything just with my presence.

"Let's just get down to business." Luke changed the subject. "We need to...."

I zoned out the rest of the time we were there. I gave my Input when it was needed, but besides that I didn't talk. Michael was pretty much the same way, but I could tell he was still mad at me.

On the way back to my apartment, Michael kept a tight grip on the steering wheel. He chewed on his lip at the same time, and that's why I knew I had to clear the air.

"Michael I'm sorry." I apologized.

"You don't understand, Ashton." He laughed darkly. "You called yourself pathetic while you were staring at them."

"That part of my life is over, Michael." I explained. "Sometimes, you just have to remind yourself of things. That's what I was doing. I was reflecting on my past and got caught up. I'm fine, though. Honestly."

"You promise?" Michael asked, glancing over at me for a split second before returning his eyes to the road.

"I swear."
-
That brings me to where I am now. Sitting on my bathroom floor, hunched over my bathtub, with a bleeding wrist. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I felt that first spark of pain. The pain that I never stopped craving and wished I'd never given up. I missed it all. The blood. The scars littering my arms. Most of all, I missed the release it gave me.

I had hurt Michael today, and I felt terrible about that. I deserved the pain I gave myself more than anything. After the first cut, I was hooked.

Again.