asylum: k.th | editing; completed

eleven | 060216

"The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself."

—Douglas Coupland

what on absolute earth did this girl want with me? there's nothing else you can accept from me. there's so much that's changed, but it was as visible as air. her overly generous comments of my mental illness, she's so embarrassing. iseul had nothing else to do with her life. she can't even cheat on her own former boyfriend correctly. iseul's actions were so obvious; you could guess her next move from a mile away. she gathered her hands to speak.

"listen," iseul started as she pursed her lips together, "you're more than a stupid avoidant personality disorder and depression. you're more than a label, taehyung. i just want you to know that. i'm sorry for putting my own troubles aside to try and aid you."

her only own trouble was jungkook—but look, he was gone—she killed two birds with one stone. the rain was still smacking on the freshly soaked concrete and onto my face. iseul was starting to get wet too. her words still sounded mindless and unorganized.

"i don't understand why that was necessary." my voice had became broad over the loud eruptions of nature. the setting was almost tense after i spoke. it seems as if iseul gained overbearing weight on her shoulders. thunder and lightning exploded in front of me.

"taehyung, can you stop being stubborn for one fucking second please? i'm asking you to let aside my burdens and allow yourself to feel my sympathy."

here she goes with the false fucking persuasion.
also known as, the "i'm sorry please allow me to do this again for someone's own benefit, i promise i'll apologize again" trick.

"get inside. you look like you're freezing, and being hideous is enough." iseul's shivers and squirms caused my careless emotions to give into the guilt. the weather made it worse.

her arms were revealed with drops of precipitation throughout her skin. how dumb could this girl be by not bringing a jacket with her on a day like this? yeah, pretty fucking dumb, right?

my immediate instinct was to fetch a towel. if only i hadn't cared so much at that moment to even do anything for her. in some way, i felt like i was betraying jungkook by helping this girl out. another thing i adapted while being in the mental hospital was helping people regardless of how another person feels about the person you're helping. it's all in the kindness of your own. maybe i was becoming normal; maybe i was becoming insane. i still don't know exactly which one is for sure. maybe helping iseul actually was a bad choice, but i was taking multiple risks.

"i'm sorry, tae." iseul broke the silence after i rapidly threw the towel around her shoulders. her eyes looked glossy, and her lips were shaped in an emotional curve.

"yeah, you said that already." i stood broad and crossed my cold arms. they wouldn't have been cold if it weren't for her causing me to stand at my door for so long. aish, this fucking girl.

"just tell me everything's alright." her eye shed a light tear.

but what if everything's not alright?
have you ever thought of that? oh, that's right. you don't think, do you?

"you make no sense." i stopped producing speech from then on. it was crystal clear that i was gaining frustration. my head began to hurt because of not eating since this morning's breakfast. i ordered iseul to sit in my room for the time being. eomma had shown up a few minutes after i told iseul to escort herself. i hadn't even gotten the chance to prepare food. do you see how much time this girl takes up?

"ah my son!" eomma squeezes my cheeks and tugs at my pants. "you're losing weight huh?"

i chuckled at her comment, "gaining." cut me some slack, mom.

eomma helped me cook dolsot bibimbap, spicy rice cakes, and of course, kimchi with rice. there was so much to eat, i was almost certain i wasn't going to finish. i'm pretty sure i haven't had this big of a meal in centuries. eomma and i gained a closer bond from preparing the meal. while i was boiling water, i had mentioned about my mental illnesses. the struck in her chest levitated towards my face causing me to turn red in my cheeks. i felt so sorry for her to hear how me, her son, is going through such a bad time in life. it was something that needed to be done sooner or later though.

eomma holds a tough ground, but i noticed how she was almost about to cry right in front of me. we hadn't seen each other in such a long time, so maybe it's affecting her harder than me actually telling her the news. i decided to keep it at what it was and continued the feast.

six:fifteen p.m.

eomma had left a little while before six fifteen. it was only around this time where i discovered iseul had fallen asleep on my bed. everything she wore was perfectly dry. her hair wrapped her shoulders into warmth, and iseul found herself using my covers. i couldn't complain at that moment; she looked peaceful.

she looked peaceful.

i took a deep sigh and released the tension off of my shoulders. what more else can i do? there wasn't much to offer when one person is perfectly awake and another isn't. it was for about ten minutes where i stood and only stared at the pathetic girl. "you still look cold."

for some irregular reason, seeing iseul sleeping made me extremely weary. it was so pleasing to watch her breathe slowly and softly onto my thick comforter. her tiny hands looked soft gripping the fabric.

taehyung, you're supposed to hate her.
i knew that i couldn't. the way she was appearing so helpless ate my entire soul; i fell into pieces.

giving into my inner core, i went to grab my phone from the kitchen, and quickly finished up the housework that needed to be done. from those empty moments, i had decided to lay on my bed, next to iseul. judging from how things were looking, nothing was brought forth that she was going to go home anytime soon. iseul looked too comfortable to move, not even a budge.

i created my own spot on my bed; however, she made her own way on my arm which was farther away from her body. a wild sleeper, eh?

her body warmth transferred to my once frozen arms. they were then wrapped around her back and the nape of her neck. something about this seemed all types of wrong. was it the kind friendship that i put forth, or was it the feelings that i forced to put aside?

"i'm sorry jungkook." iseul and i both spoke

in unison.