How To Annoy Voldemort

How To Annoy Umbridge (101 Ways)

1. Tell her she looks Toad-a-Licious!
2. Ask if you can borrow her pink vest so Hagrid can use it as a scarecrow.
3. Call her Dotty.
4. Tell her Filch is a squib.
5. Throw her a birthday party and invite all the half-breeds you know.
6. Pull out her tongue and say: “Huh, strange, I thought it would stretch out completely! How do you catch the flies then?”
7. Turn all her possessions blue. Including her office and parchments.
8. Turn all the little kittens on her walls into little puppy’s.
9. Tell her that you’re related to McGonagall. “Oi! Dotty! McGonnie is like my favourite aunt! Hell yeah! McGonnie ya rock beeatch!” (Warning: this annoys McGonnie- erm- McGonagall too)
10. Tell her Cornelius doesn’t want to marry her because he’s afraid she’ll eat him.
11. Every time she walks by sing: “I like big butts and I can not lie! You other brothers can’t deny! …”
12. Scream along with Harry that Voldemort is back.
13. When she gives you detention and lets you write lines with that quill of hers, pretend you like the pain and lick your own blood.
14. Tell her the reason why you drank your own blood during detention was because you are a vampire and you’d like to have a piece of her one day.
15. Change Educational Decree 22: In the event the current headmaster being unable to provide a candidate for a teaching post, The Ministry should do nothing, because Hogwarts is not in need of horrors like Umbrigde.
16. Change Educational Decree 23: Creates new position of Hogwarts’ giant toad-thingie.
17. Change Educational Decree 24: All students Organizations, societies, Teams, groups, and clubs are now conspiracy bonds against Dolores Jane Umbridge.
18. Change Educational Decree 25: The High Inquisitor will henceforth have supreme authority over her humongous ass.
19. Change Educational Decree 26: Teachers are hereby aloud to give students information about how to sabotage ‘the giant toad-thingie’.
20. Change Educational Decree 27: Any student found in possession of the magazine the Quibbler will be rewarded ten points to their House.
21. Change Educational Decree 28: Dolores Jane Umbridge (giant toad-thingie) has replaced Albus Dumbledore as Head of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and Wizardry, meaning both students and teachers will do their very best to sabotage the hag.
22. On the morning of Valentines day, send her a present: cookies made of squeezed bugs. When she looks around quizzically in the Great Hall, leap from you seat and call over: “Do you like my present, professor? I’ve made your favourite!”
23. Tell her Flitwick likes her. He wants to be her fly! Of course, tell Flitwick about this so he can wink at her every once and awhile. The woman will go crazy.
24. Ask her if that black bow of hers is the first fly she caught.
25. Ask her if she was a Hufflepuff in her schooldays, because that would explain a lot.
26. Join the DA.
27. When she enters the classroom go like this: “Bzzzzzzzzz… Ooo! Hear that professor! It’s supper time for you!”
28. Tell her that even Lockhart did a better job at teaching than her.
29. Go dressed like a member from Kiss. Rock ‘n Roll!!
30. Join Peeves with blowing raspberries every time she tries to say something. (you can work in shifts)
31. Make a song about her on the melody of ‘Weasley is our king’. Something like:
                                      Dotty is an enormous twit
                                      She turns Hogwarts into shit
                                      Dotty is the ugliest git
                                      Dotty that stupid nit …
32. Do the cha-cha on her desk. 1-2, cha cha cha! 3-4, cha cha cha!!
33. Make the Inquisitorial Squad cry by saying Slytherin wasn’t the founder who started the whole Pureblood nonsense, but that it was Ravenclaw. They’ve been living a lie!!
34. If you are a boy, dress up in girl robes for school. If you are a girl, dress up in boy robes for school. (Actually, maybe boy and girl robes are the same in canon...)
35. Help Lee smuggle the Nifflers in her office.
36. Raise your hand in class. When she asks you what the problem is, say: “O nothing, ma’am. I just wanted to hear that beautiful voice of yours again… *wink wink* ”
37. Imitate that annoying cough of hers. So she’ll know how irritating that is. “Hem, hem.”
38. Tell her Snape sure looks like one juicy little blow fly. Mmm, mmm, mmm! (he sure does)
39. “Your butt is so huge that the whole lot of Africa can camp on it!” that is very rude, so say it to the old toad!
40. Stand up in the middle of the lesson and gather your things, when she asks you why you’re doing that tell her you’re late for a date with your centaur friends.
41. Walk around with a t-shirt that says ‘half-breed’ on the front.
42. Pronounce loudly that you are not only vampire and related to McGonagall but that you’re also 1/25 centaur, 1/11 pixie, ¼ dog, a cookie and Muggle-born. (does that make sense?)
43. Eat your school books while she’s seeing it and ask her if she has ketchup.
44. Nick Filch’s whip and punish Umbridge with it. *spankie spankie*
45. Sneak everyone a Puking Pastille before classes start. When toad-thingie is about to say: “Wands away!”, all shove the candy down your throats and puke all over the place.
46. Do exactly the same thing next day but this time with Nosebleed Nougat.
47. Start yelling in Spanish.
48. Imitate Joey from Friends: “How you doing?” / “Joey doesn’t share FOOD!!” / “Ross bruises like a peach… Ross bruises like a peach…”
49.  Go like Mrs Lovett and sing: “She is probably the worst  bitch in Hogwarts. She teaches! But good?- no! The worst bitch in Hooogwarts! …”
50. Help Trelawney with fake predictions to scare her off. Like: “You will be squashed be a car the next time you’ll hop over a high way!”
51. Tell her the cookies are gone and cry.
52. Make HER cry by calling her a half-breed. "Oh please! Your mother was a troll and you know it!"
53.  Go G.I. Jane and say: “Suck my dick!” Umbridge: “We shall not talk about the male member!! *blush* ” “Why? Because you’ve never seen one?” “Detention!” “
54. Trust to her that Hagrid is so keeeewl! And you dig his accent.
55. Suggest to her that she should grow a beard or wear a veil to cover up that ugly snout of hers.
56. Hug everyone in the castle except her.
57. Tell her that you’re deeply in love with her.
58. Back on the Lockhart thing, she and Lockhart would make a lovely couple. Both lame.
59. Put her robes on fire.
60. Throw a bucket of water over her head to stop the flames and say: “On second thoughts, I wouldn’t have liked to see your old grandma knickers!”
61. Tell her that the London Zoo is been looking for their giant toad and that she has to return immediately.
62. Steal her wand and replace it by a custom make on by Fred and George Weasley.
63. “If this were the Middle Ages them Muggle’s would’ve thrown you on the pyre! Not because of the witching, but because you’re so damn ugly and they hadn’t have to look at your face any longer! Hell, even the wizarding community would’ve helped with that!”
64. Tell her she is the person you love to hate.
65. Plainly say to her that ‘the Ministry sucks’ and watch her explode.
66. Charm a paper plane to grow the size of a little boat, get all your friends in it and fly with the bloody thing through the school’s corridors and mess up the whole castle! This will work on Filch’s nerves too! And of course, ask Peeves to join in!
67. Give her robes a Scottish tint.
68. Ask Snape if he will teach you how to brew the most powerful poison there is, so you can sneak it into Umbridge’s pumpkin juice.
69. Tell her sex is one thing she’ll never know. Yet again, the ugly thing, you get it, right?
70. Just poke her with your wand. (you can go like: Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Without giving her real pain… But if you really want her to suffer (duh) she’ll be in so much agony it’s not even funny! (Ok, it will be funny for you!))
71. “Any chance you’re related to Hyacint Bucket?
72. When she seems stressed because all of the naughty children, grab a carrot from your pocket, nibble from it, lean against the wall and ask: “Nnyeeaah! What’s up doc?”
73. Turn her skin and hair colour green. “O dear! You look more like a toad as every day goes by, Dotty my dear!”
74. Stand in front of her. Point your main finger at her and yell: “YOU’RE FIRED!”
75. Tell her Dumbledore and McGonagall should be minister and under-secretary.
76. Smack her.
77. Tell her the reason why there is war, is her.
78. “Extreme Make-over! Ever heard of that?”
79. Smack her again.
80. Steal her pillows and replace them with rocks.
81. Ask her if she’s a drag queen. (if so, all the ‘she’s’ in here would become ‘he’s’)
82. Charm her so she’ll croak like a toad every time she speaks.
83. Give all students Polyjuice Potion to make them look like Harry Potter.
84. Lock the Inquisitorial Squad up in the cupboard because those bastards will refuse to cooperate, no doubt.
85. To finalize: slip some Polyjuice in her pumpkin juice and she'll be a Harry too.
86. Shave her head bald while she sleeps and take pictures
87. When she wakes up show her the pictures with a wicked grin and protect your ears! She will shriek!
88. Pay Colin Creevey to take pictures of her all times and give him bonus because all off the vomiting he has to endure of looking at that butt ugly face.
89. Cough: "Fugly!" whenever she speaks.
90. Lock her up with a Blast-Ended Skrewt. Because meet a Skrewt and you’re screwed.
91. Drip some Love Potion in Crabbe’s and Goyle’s drinks, so they’ll fall in love with Umbridge and follow her around everywhere. It’s stalking time!
92. Ask Sprout if you can borrow some Devil’s Snare, so the ruddy plant can finish off that toad.
93. If she survives, go and transfigure her into a tea bag and.. Drink her!
94. If she survives that too, turn her with McGonnie’s help into a toad and put her in the middle of the high way and hope the fake predictions of Trelawney and you come true.
95. If it doesn’t, smack her again.
96. Offer her sweets.
97. Tackle her and tell her you’re practising for soccer, if she asks what that is, kick her in the shin! “”OOO foul! Foul!! Red card! Of the field!”
98. Give her foods with laxatives in it.
99. Keep doing this until she ends up in St. Mungo's!
100. Stuff her room full with toads.
101. Visit her in the hospital wing with your mates and make hoover noises.