May I Call This a Memoir?

{5} D₂

"We can still be friends."

I winced when he uttered those words, they actually hurt me. How is it that I knew we were doomed from the beginning, but I went on with it anyways? How could I possibly let myself do that. I was setting up my own inevitable death. 

I think that it was the fact that I held on to him so tightly and then losing him the first time hurt me enough, but I wanted to do everything in my power to hold on to him for the second time. I didn't want him to leave me ever again, he was my best friend. He was the one that I talked to if I needed someone, but once again, he was gone. I wanted to so badly have him in my life, but I knew I was going to lose him. 

It was the night before that started to frighten me. He told me that he wanted to take a break, but it wasn't a good enough reason, so I talked him out of it. He was irrational and I'm sure he got that. 

It wasn't until the next day, when I saw him, that I knew things were about to go to shit. He was back to how he was before. How everything had to be so complicated with him. The beginning of that day is when I first get to see him. He wasn't nice, he was cruel. His words hurt, but I don't think he even realized it.

It wasn't until after that that I had to talk to him. I had to know what was going on. I remember texting him. I wanted to talk to him, but he was busy, but it was something that he could easily get out of. I got these heart wrenching messages instead. He broke the terrible news to me over text message and I felt physically ill. It's that feeling you get when your stomach drops and the pain hurts so badly, that you know there is nothing you can do about it, because it is too late. 

He dropped the news, but he came out to talk to me anyways.

"We can still be friends." Those words hurt so much. I didn't want to be friends, I wanted him to love me the way I did to him. 

I wanted to be in the type of loving relationship that I constantly see all around me. I wanted that, but I guess sometimes we don't always get what we want and I certainly didn't.

He told me that he wasn't sure what he wanted and I told him to give me an answer by the next day, but how did I already know his answer?

I remember that smile he gets when he wants to say something, but decides against it. I know that expression better than any other of his. You can see it on his mouth, but you can really see it in his eyes. You know that there is something behind them, but he will refuse to tell. I wish I wasn't so familiar with that expression.

The sad part of it all is that I already knew what he wanted months before any of this happened and

         it wasn't me. 

—BWS❄️