life Is Now

Winter 2017

When I tell my friends, that I'm dating Chris now, I get the funniest looks. Turns out, that everybody except me and Chris had known for ages. It's quite a relief that we are now an official couple . I still try not to say aloud that we are in love, but I don't have use energy to not to think about it. Baby steps. Also Chris is much more laid back now. He's still tired when he gets time of from his military service, but the air of silent sadness is all gone.

I meet Chris' family too. They are loud and funny and welcoming, but seem to have a quite a short attention span. It feels like they never really remember what I just said. I wonder of on my own. On the hallway, there is a picture of three happy kids sitting on the backbench of a boat. Bright orange life jackets on and salty wind in their hair. I can easily see that the boys are Chris and William. The girl William is holding so protectively must be his sister. They share exact the same colouring and many features. When I study this picture, Chris' dad comes to me.

- Is this the same boat Chris now uses? I ask to say something.

- Yes it is. It was brand new back then. I took the kids for a test ride.

- They were so close already?

- Chris and William are like brothers. Basically grown up together. They met in the kindergarten. Chris is our youngest, his sisters are a couple of years older, and he would have been lonely without William.

- And the girl is William's sister?

- Amalie, yes. This was only a year before she died. You know about that?

- Yes.

- She also was a lot here. There's actually less than a year between her and Chris, William is a couple of months older. All three went very well together. After a while we understood, that William didn't want to leave her alone with their mum and Nikolai. William was very protective.

- Did Nikolai ever come here?

- Not much. He didn't play nicely, and Chris didn't take any bullshit. I think Nikolai was a bit afraid of Chris, even though he was younger. William was so diplomatic, trying to keep everybody happy – and Amalie as far as possible from Nikolai. He literary placed himself between them, always. Yeah, we could see that things were not great, but what can you do? After the accident, both boys staid here some weeks. William and Chris locket themselves in the basement. Chris came to get some food, otherwise they didn't talk to anyone. Nikolai was the only one we saw. Extremely well behaved and polite. It was weird.

I want to say, that they could have done tons of things. Reported it. Not just offer holiday for William and Amalie from their abusive home. William was fucking 9 years when Amalie died. He had been protecting his sister for ages then. But it doesn't help now. I watch the picture again. I can recognise this laid back awareness of William's, he was just like that around Noora. Ready to action at any given moment, but enjoying himself as long as he can. I can't help wonder if William hold his sister like this while she was dying? Or did she die alone on an operation table? Later I learn, that there is probably not one single picture of William and Amalie, where William is not touching her in this protective manor. It totally breaks my heart.

I go to visit my dad's family, and bring Chris along. Just like mum did, they completely fall for Chris. When I stayed there the whole summer, I never really talked with Anita. We just accepted each other, and I was kind of proud of even that. But Chris easily chats with her like they've known for ages. Dad offers Chris a beer, and they talk about football. Sunniva goes completely crazy about Chris, who pulls her funny faces and seems to be completely at ease with this wild and wise girl who just turned 4 years. In the evening, dad and Anita go for a long walk, while me and Chris put Sunniva to bed. Then we watch Netflix and talk shit. This time all cuddled up.