Out of the flames

Entry #4.

Dear Diary,

I looked at the time. My first therapy session was supposed to begin soon. I took out the paper the principal had given me and checked location to see that it wasn't that far from the school. I didn't trust myself to drive in the state I was in and I couldn't bring myself to ask my friends for a ride.

I found myself in a room full of bean bags and kids. There were inspirational posters all over the room. I had to fight the urge to run when I saw the bright orange colour of the walls.

"You must be the new girl. I'm happy that you've joined us," the tall man seated at the front of the room said.

"Uh huh. That makes one of us," I muttered under my breathe. I weaved through all the bean bags, ignoring the curious glances and finally settled on a comfy spot at the back near a picture of a koala bear saying Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that you are.

"Easy for you to say Mr. Koala Bear," I muttered and got a few glances aimed my way and I was sure it wasn't helping their opinion of my mental state.

"So would the new girl like to introduce herself?" The cheerful man at the front said and I sighed.

I glanced at the sea of faces in front of me and asked, "Do I have a choice?"
***********

One week after I started therapy I felt like crap. My whole week had been lived by taking painkillers, anxiety medication and antidepressants. These made me very intolerable and any time I wasn't in class I was too tired to do anything. I stopped taking all the pills on Saturday.

It was now Monday and I was heading to gym class. I made a point to change quickly before the locker room got claustrophobic. I went to sit down alone on one of the benches.

"Hey Ape are you okay?" I looked up to see my brother looking at me concerned.

I forced a smile on my face, "I'm fine."

"No you're not. You've been out of it for a whole week," he said sitting down next to me.

I immediately stood up the second he sat down, "I'm perfectly fine Kyle."

I was about to walk away when he said something that stopped me in my tracks, "The whole family is coming into town."

I spun around to face him, "Why?"

One thing about our family. We were never all at the same place at the same time. An Auldrin family reunion was an equivalent to the resurrection of a dinosaur. It never happened.

"Jeff and his wife are coming for their engagement party here. They already had one in France for Adalene's family they're travelling to Britain to have one here," he explained standing up.

"Well since they didn't see the need of telling me personally I don't see the need of attending," I said flatly crossing my arms. It made me look defensive so I let my hands drop to my side.

"Jeff has been trying to talk to you all week but you blocked his number," he pointed out.

"And who's fault is that?" I shot back and that's when I noticed we were causing a ruckus.

"Guys maybe not here," Jenny said shifting uncomfortably in her white Toms.

"It wasn't only his fault," Kyle explained.

I narrowed my eyes at him, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"The therapy. It wasn't only Jeff who decided on it. He talked to Reese and I before he made the decision. Reese of course refused and said he wouldn't force something onto you that you didn't want but Jeff and I thought it would be better for you," he said and the lid that I had been holding onto finally blew up.

I felt the blood pounding in my ear and I started seeing spots in my vision, "After all I've sacrificed for you and you tell me some bullshit like that. Fuck, you really are a terrible brother."

I walked out of the gym after that because the spots were becoming worse and I knew what was happening. A panic attack was coming fast. My anger had triggered it and I could feel the same pressure build up in my chest. Unlike what others thought the first thing you should do is not run into the bathroom. I walked outside to the football field and I felt the fresh air ease the pounding headache I had developed.

"Open space big space, open space big space," was what I chanted as I tried to focus on anything else other than how upset I was.

"Ape," I had my brother call but I waved my arms frantically in front of me.

"Don't touch me, don't touch me," I pleaded stumbling away from him.

"I said don't touch me," I repeated as I felt someone coming closer to me.

I felt someone touching my cheek and lift my head. I opened my eyes to stare at a pair of unfamiliar green eyes.

"Hey it's okay just focus on my voice," he told me and I nodded. I felt myself getting more grounded as he continued talking. I couldn't make out the words but the tone was soothing until I finally sat on the ground. I didn't want to look. I didn't want to see my friends' faces. I didn't want anyone to see the tears pouring down my cheeks. I hugged my legs tighter together. I quickly stood up and walked straight to the dorms and into my room. For the first time in a long time I let the tears fall.

My shoulders shook as the sobs came out. I gritted my teeth trying to stop them but that just ended up in gasps coming out. Right then I would have taken my crisis pains a thousand times over the emotional pain I was feeling right then.

What hurt me the most was memory of a few days ago. After we admitted in the new kid and thought I was going to have an attack I didn't have one so I went to see the principal. He told me that he thought it was better if I graduated earlier. I had enough credits and a scholarship from our school waiting for me. The first person who came to mind was my brother. My brother was like Reece a genius on the field but struggled in class. He struggled even more than Reece. The principal said that he had talked to my parents and they decided if I graduated earlier they would make Kyle move schools. At this school I was the one who stayed up to midnight tutoring my parents, making sure that he was ready for school. If I left they would make him switch schools to a special one whose sole focus was studies. My brother wouldn't have been able to get a sport's scholarship if he went to that school so the decision was a no brainer. I had to stay. I wasn't stupid I knew part of my problem was all the stress I got in school but I knew even if I got less stressful I would still be miserable because my brother was miserable. The brother who didn't care if the decision he made, made me miserable.

The tears flowed even more and I shut my eyes trying to stop them but it was useless. I felt the darkness rising in me and for the first time I felt completely alone fighting it and that's when I stopped fighting.