Philophobia (Kei Tsukishima Fanfiction)

Chapter 23

XXIII.

When they say that you have to love yourself first in order for others to finally love you, no, I don't believe in that. When other people accept and love you for who you are, that's when you learn to truly love yourself.

I learned that the hard way, when someone learned to love me when I'd perceived myself as defective, dysfunctional and broken beyond repair. Despite all of my imperfections, someone still managed to love me. Even if he was the person I least expected, I was still moved; my heart was moved.

When he loved me, I learned that there was still hope for me, hope that shed light in my dark world and helped me see clearly. I was too disillusioned because of the pain, hatred and loneliness that I protected for so long. How ironic is that it was all because of love that I got hurt, and love was also the reason why I desire to become the best version of myself.

Maybe it was worth it after all. And now I've taken the very first step, and that is acceptance. I'd accepted the fact that the only thing I could do with my father and brother's memories is to cherish them, remember their memory, more and more until I die. Because I won't be able to when I perish.

I'd accepted my mother in my life again, though I haven't fully forgiven her yet but I was willing to give her a chance and to also guide and help me heal every step of the way. Her new family? I'm still not so sure about it...

I tried to glance at him without craning my neck to the side as I was drowning in my sea of thoughts, knowing that he was still by my side made me feel calm and warm even more.

There was this thing that I kind of like but it was frustrating at the same time. It was the fact that he didn't make his feelings obvious... or maybe he's right when he said that I was dense. I don't know what he's feeling right now, to be honest, given that he was born with a natural deadpanned nature and expression. I absolutely have no idea what he's thinking right now... if he's sad, relieved or angry; those expressions weren't evident on his face.

I'd told him that he didn't need to wait for me but deep inside, there was this part of me that hopes that he'll do otherwise. If he really loves me... but... there was not even a thing he could hold onto me.

Before he could sense my stare, my gaze lowered to find his hands that were inside the pockets of his coat, shielding them from the cold wind whistling around us, as if it wanted to tell us something.

It was already night, a few hours has passed since his confession, a few hours after I had showed weakness to my mother, a few hours after I had ran away from him...

"I left my uniform and bag at the cafe... damn it." I grunted to myself just as I calmed down a little bit and thought of the minor things. I sniffed as I rest my balance on the railings outside my apartment, taking in the breath of fresh air and the cold wind caressing my face, comforting me, only a little bit...

'You touched my body once,
It burns... me still softly.
Never forget,
Never again will be,
I cried.'

I adjusted the volume of my music as I get drowned in my own little bubble.

Why me? Why did you chose me, Tsukishima Kei? Why are you doing this to me?

'Waiting for... a gentle rain.
A gentle rain,
A gentle you.'

I don't even love myself... so how come? What did you saw in me?

I closed my eyes as those thoughts bombarded my mind. And then suddenly, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder and when I shifted my gaze to the person, my whole body jolted in shock.