No Hands but My Own

Chapter 10 - Doubt

"Are you alright, Ayri?"

Sle's rumbling voice drew my mind back to the present unceremoniously. He seemed to have appeared, as if by magic, sitting calmly by my side. Perhaps his dark coloring and small stature helped him with his ability to seemingly teleport from thin air.

"Sorry?" I turned to face him with a quick shake of my head to focus my mind.

"What were you thinking of?"

"Mostly of our training."

"Ah."

We turned back to watch the still whirling dancers. It was a male-only dance leaving the audience limited to Reliel and I as well as the blushing and giggling Shira and Alrira.

Assadar was also watching - his ankle had become quite irritated during the journey out here (probably as it was still healing from the serious sprain) and it was too sore to be doing the athletic feats involved in the dance. He provided humorous narration to the girls; probably as a way to get back at his exhibitionist friends.

The pounding rhythm drilled itself into my skull. I suddenly broke under its persistence and asked Reliel the question that had been preying on my mind since the Assembly.

"Sle, do you think we're primitive?"

He cocked his head to the side and scrunched his brow in confusion. "What do you mean primitive?"

"Well, it seemed to me that," I grew more and more inarticulate under his unwavering gaze, "perhaps, the other clans may think that we are less ... civilized than they are. Do you think that, you know, it might be true? Are we barbars?"

"You mean you honestly listened to the shit that crazy kid was saying?" He exclaimed.

"Wait." It was my turn for confusion, "How do you know about that?"

"Dilenkeh." That seemed to always be the answer for gossip that damaged my ego. "Listen, that kid was off his nut. Seriously, he sounds like he was drinking or something before the meeting."

"Yes, but..." I hesitated to express my worries.

"But what?"

"But no other clan master objected to him sitting in the Canium's spot. I mean, if I saw some wacko sitting in their spot, I'd tell them to move. But no one had - told him I mean."

Sle slumped back as he considered my words carefully. "That certainly is strange."

I wrapped my arms around myself, "It was like they wanted to see my reactions and judge my potential weaknesses. And I don't know why. I mean, we were always respected before. Something has changed Reliel. And I don't like it."

"I don't think anyone of us particularly enjoys the recent changes, Ayri." Slecommented dryly.

"But what if they are right?" Sle started to comment but I cut him off, "I mean, what if it's the time to abandon our traditions and move forward? To become more like the Southern people. You know, united in one giant clan with the rest of the woods with no rituals to hold us to the past. We could forget everything and start from scratch. Become more modern."

"You, Ayri, are crazy."

"Why? What's so crazy about it?"

Sle shook his head, "Well for one, it's clearly not working that well in the South if they are invading us. Let's not forget that our entire lives are dictated by tradition. We wouldn't know what to do, how to act without it. Now I'm not saying," He raised his hand to stop my flood of doubts, "that living traditionally is necessarily a good thing. But right now, it's all we have."

His words struck me."I guess you're right. We don't even have a home to go to, but that doesn't seem to matter to them." I nodded to the exuberant dancers.

I could hear the smile in Sle's voice as he said, "That's because tradition brings home to them."

"But don't you ever wonder?" My eyes glazed as I watched the rhythmic movements of the dancers. A dream-like quality descended upon my consciousness; the convoluted thoughts of my tired brain matched the steady motion of the men dancing around the fire.

"About what?"

"Our ways." I paused to think of a concrete example. "Your parents."

"No."

"Well, I do."

Sle laid a hand on my shoulder, prompting me to stare at his pleasantly familiar face. "Why would that ever bother you?"

I answered back with a question of my own, the haze in my head slowing my ability to reason. "Do you think it's right to do that to all of our children? To isolate them?"

"Isolate?" Sle looked shocked, "Ayri, they're not isolated. The parents are part of the clan. The clan brings up the child ergo the blood parents bring up the child."

"But the kid will never know who their parents are." The mist had suddenly become oppressively saddening. I could feel anguish for the children as the dreamed and wondered who had fathered them, the question plaguing them their entire lives.

"Well, isn't it better? Better to have every child treated equally. I mean, I bet that's part of the reason that the Ceveridony kid attacked you - he had probably been told his whole life how great he was because he was the Ceveridon's child. Better to treat every kid the same and let them find their niche based on their talents."

"Maybe it's a bit cruel though."

"Why?" Sle shrugged. "I mean, I remember feeling loved by every clan member. Because they were all my parents. Don't you?" I nodded assent. "Well then, what's the problem?"

"Do you think the other clans don't like us because of our traditions? That it makes them hate us or judge us?" My voice carried the worry I could no longer disguise as my self-doubt attacked any weakness it could feel. It was fighting for sustained exsistence in the twisted recesses of my mind.

Sle laughed, "Who cares! Ayri, we're probably never going to see them again. Who cares what those incompetent buffoons think!"

He patted my back in a comforting way -- I had forgotten the incredible mind and understanding hiding in Sle's modest frame. The heavy haze of doubt had lifted from my mind; I could see and think clearly once more. We had to hold to our traditions and to our past; it was the only way to remain constant in the face of such powerful change.  

It seemed that while Sle and I had been talking, Shira and Alrira decided that the boys had had enough fun -- it was their turn. Egging me on to join them, their voices combined with Dilenkeh's and Reliel's challenges and I was obliged to show the gentlemen just how it was done.