You Will Not Have My Hate

Part 4

"I remembered the morning I left you without goodbye, you still sleeping as I closed the door,"

A gloomy morning. Solemn. Everyone stand in silence. Kills him with the mourning looks on their face. In front of him there's a box—coffin, that lies silently. A smiling face on a big photograph looking at him with that soft gaze.

A turmoil feelings, bubbling up inside his chest. Could be burst out in anytime. He held those feelings deep, so he can speak his words of honor properly until the end.

"As the course of the day, we spoke about this holiday you were excited about that you've never been to a faraway place before," his voice choked as he remembered the sunny place Javier told him, "Havi, I came home in that evening, with this extreme profound pain, the pain that made me closer as ever to anyone of your colleagues that also suffering silently, as I do. Silently. As for me, I am suffering without hate,"

He remembered the night he had to open the door with the idea Javier is not there, or the idea Javi will come home later so he should cook first. Not one of those ideas. So he stood in front of the door silently, not with the words 'I'm back,' as per usual.

His shaking voice filled up his throat. The pain that creeps on him, his mind flees. Emptiness completely filled him.

"When I first got message saying that something had happened, on the terror attack that happened there, and that a policeman had died, a small voice told me it was you," even if he wants to, but the memories of the attacking day couldn't be erased from his mind. The chaos, all the fear, loss, his loss. His fear.

That day, he stood up in front of the body that just embraced him the night earlier. Now it was just laying there, covered, unloved. The overflowing tears, devastation. Even it was the memories he doesn't want to have, he's still remember every second of it.

"... and brought me back to that generous and healing phrase: he wouldn't hate me no matter what 'you will not have my hate',"

If he could give up his life to end this pain, he would gladly willingly to do that. But what he could do now? even every drop of tears couldn't heal his loss.

"I don't feel hatred Javier, because it is not like you,"

"I just want to tell you that you will rest in my heart forever, I love you,"

-fin-

Notes:

Speech that Yuzuru said (and this story) insipired by the speech of the mourning Etienne Cardilles.

Dedicated to:
Xavier Jugelé—a dutiful police officer that killed on the attack in Champs-Elysees in Paris.

Based on:
Etienne Cardiles—Xavier's partner's speech that had torn my heart. Even a beautiful love could end up tragically.