I couldn't understand why Levi would want me to leave. Why he would want me to go live with Aunt Alexandra, who basically tortured me to admit I was sick? Even him considering the thought made my eyes sting with tears. Uncle Levi stared at me with his wise eyes and pressed his lips together into a slight frown.
"Whitaker, you've got to hear me out. Please, this-this could be better for you." The sadness in his voice was prominent. His words didn't make me feel any different. I felt like I was being dragged into deep, cold water with no chance of getting out.
"You know I won't make it." I managed through my devastating tears. "You know I'll shut down just like I did when my parents died!" I didn't mean for the words to come out, but when they did, it felt right. It was the truth. I could feel my uncle tense up. My eyes couldn't meet his, but I saw the muscles in his arms go rigid and I knew that what I'd said hurt. But I couldn't bring myself to apologize.
"I think that's enough. We'll talk about this later." He got up and left, leaving me in a thick silence. I couldn't stand it, but just like that, he was gone. There was so much fear shaking in my bones, I felt sick. I wanted to run out of my room and stop him and tell him I was sorry. Something kept me there. Whether it was fear, regret, or frustration I didn't know.
"Oh God." I muttered shakily, tears pooling in my eyes. There was a heavy reality attached to what I said. You know I'll shut down just like I did when my parents died. My head pounded as I frustratedly wiped the tears from my eyes. I just needed sleep, that's all. I fell back onto my pillow and sighed heavily. It took mere seconds for my eyelids to grow heavy and seal me into the next recurring nightmare.
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There was nothing surrounding me but trees, but I could smell the strong saltwater. The ocean was somewhere near me, swirling angrily. I could feel it. It burned in my bones and in the back of my skull. The air was wet and salty and stung the inside of my nose.
"Whitaker!"
My name rushed through the trees like wind, cold and bitter. My hair flew in all directions. My name rang persistently in my ears. I pressed my hands to hem and tried to scream, but no sound came out. It felt like someone was stabbing my head.
"Whitaker! Help me!" It was a girl. It was Cassandra. Something inside of me knew it. The burning sensation inside of me deepened, worsened. She needed me. She needed my help. I just didn't know where she was.
Her voice seemed to fill the entire space I was in. The leaves seemed to absorb it like a sponge and then spread it out into the ground and the air. I couldn't tell where it was comping from.
"Whita-" My name was cut off by a bloody scream. On impulse, I began to run through the thick jungle. The bitter salt burned in my eyes as the rough roots and leaves cut my legs. I fell forward, nearly tripping many times, but the hurt and fear in Cassandra's voice kept ringing in my ears. I had to get to her. I had to.
I tumbled aimlessly through the thick jungle unable to see where I was going. The leaves were painfully thick and the persistent headache that I had awake seemed to stay even in my dreams.
"Cass! Cassandra, where are you?!" I felt my throat turn raw from allowing the salty air into my mouth.
"Whitaker!"
Her scream hit me in the chest like a bullet. She was running out of time, I could feel it. I kept racing through the dense woods, wanting nothing but to get to her. My foot caught underneath one of the many roots patterning the forest floor and I expected for myself to fall onto the ground. Instead, I fell through it all.
I was instantly afraid because I landed in the cold and bitter ocean. My hands went straight to my throat as I tried to gasp for air. I was drowning. I was falling through the layers of ocean and every second I thought I was getting closer to death. My fear was controlling me even while I slept. The ocean turned from blue to a deep and dark navy, almost black. And I was falling straight through it.
Somebody has to save me. Some one has to help me. I couldn't help myself. This fear was real, it wasn't just present in my dreams. I couldn't save myself from this nightmare I was living.
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My head burned as if someone had struck a match against my brain. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes because all that would be waiting was a world of fear. Inescapable fear. My chest was heaving trying to take in enough oxygen just to keep my racing heart calm. I felt sweat rolling down my forehead.
I opened my eyes, finally. While I expected to meet the glaring afternoon sun, all I received was a midnight moon. I groaned, wishing that I could take back every ounce of that awful nightmare and remove it from my mind. But it was stuck, like glue, against the plates of my skull; unremovable.
I looked at the window on the wall adjacent to my bed. I could just barely see the outline of the ocean against the evening sky and a weird feeling traveled through my veins. I wanted to go. I wanted to feel that rushing water on my skin. I wanted to feel it's cold entirety flood me turning my blood to ice. I wanted to feel. I didn't want to hide from what I was afraid of. I wanted to be brave.
