Love is a Trial

Chapter Six

“Mama! Mama!” She squealed racing in the door of our bedroom, a small flower from the garden in her hand. Though our room was big she crossed the taupe rug in a matter of seconds. She climbed onto our bed her chubby arms and legs not helping her in the slightest. “It’s your birthday, mama!” I helped her climb up to sit beside me, and she leaped into my arms hugging me tight, her blonde curls brushed my face and it reminded me so much of him.
“Care bear, it’s Mothers’ Day, not mama’s birthday” He said walking in, a breakfast tray in his hands and a smirk on his lips.
“Oh,” She paused, then stood on her wobbly legs and started jumping while repeating “Happy Mothers’ day, Mama!!”
“Thank you, Ronnie,” I said taking the breakfast tray as Brad kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear.
“Happy Mothers’ day Addie,” He smiled. I sat back and watched Ronnie bounce around, then I watched when Brad scooped her up and flew her around the room, while she shrieked with delight. I watched the most perfect picture for a moment, taking it all in, when it changed. Ronnie vanished and Brad’s face appeared in front of mine, a crease in-between his eyebrows and tears in his eyes.
“Please Addie, don’t let me die!” I wanted to reach for him, but my hands were frozen, holding onto the flower Ronnie gave me, though now it was wilted and the colour had turned black. “It’s only you, it’s only ever been you! Don’t let me go, because I can’t bare to live without you!” I watched unable to help in the slightest when a tear slid down his cheek and that was when his beautiful face was engulfed in flames, and he was gone.

I sat on my bed, and stared blankly at all the memories frozen in time, as I had since I woke. I had to change it, it could not stay like this anymore, I knew I didn’t live here but it was just too much to bare, living and just being in the vicinity of all this. I crawled towards the many images of my high school years on the wall behind my bed, there were many of Brad and I in our group of friends, and then there were the ones of just us. My best friend, Marleen was a budding photographer in the years when I was indulged in my music ‘career’ and in Brad. Ever since I left for New York, we just kind of lost contact, it wasn’t just Brad that I had left, but my best friend as well. In the first years I loved that all our memories were captured forever, but now all I could think was that they had lasted long enough. The emotions coursed through me, love, happiness, contentment, despair, anger, fear and heartbreak, and it was with all those feelings that I tore down the whole wall of images. I was so distraught that I couldn’t hold onto any logic; I shredded every photo I could get my hands on. I don’t know when I started crying, but it was only when a teardrop landed on a picture, that I noticed. I gingerly picked up the picture and brushed the tear off it; my eyes were bright and excited as Brad had picked me up and swung me over his shoulder, he had taken off running and I had grinned so wide my cheeks hurt, that was the moment that Marleen caught. That was the night by the bonfire before my dad died, the last night before grief took over, and my life fell apart.

“Adelaide?” Madison asked as she inched towards the destruction on my floor. I don’t know how long I had been staring at the image, but her call brought me out of my trance.
“Yeah?” I replied, looking at her through bloodshot eyes and tearstained cheeks. She dropped to the floor and cradled a partly ripped image in her hands, “Is this bear?” She whispered as though the feeling in the room required a quietened voice.
I glanced from the desk, to the window, then to the photo. It was one of the days where Madison had insisted she teach me the techniques of taking a good photograph, but I had ignored her instructions of shooting some tree, and had turning to Brad. I had caught him kicking a football around with his friends, his expression was of pure concentration, and nothing but that. “It is.” I mumbled, turning away again.
“I didn’t know that he was your friend. Was he your boyfriend?” She squealed.
I climbed of my bed and went to sit on the hardwood floor with her, “He was, and he broke my heart.” I sniffed and took the photo from her hands.
“Was he mean to you? Because this boy at preschool pushed me off the swing, the other day!” She confessed, looking up at me.
I took a breath, “He wasn’t mean to me, not at all.”
“Well then why did he break your heart?” she asked.
I admired her perfect speech, she seemed so similar to me in that way, “Well, I was scared and even though I loved him, I ran away” When I said it, it became so real to me, I had never admitted it to myself before, but it was me that ran not him, “Never be afraid, okay? You can’t live your life if you are afraid of what might happen, because then you will end up like me.” She looked up blankly at me and I smiled, she was only four, but she would understand it more when she grew up, and I would be sure to tell her again.
“So when he tries to push me I should, be brave and tell him that I don’t like it?” She asked.
I chuckled, “Yes. Yes, you should.”
She grinned and stood up, “Was Bear good at football?” She looked back at the photo, admiration in her eyes. It hit me, that he was like her brother, so much more than I was her sister. It saddened me, but at the same time it made me want to be the sister both her and Avery deserved. “He was. Actually, he was amazing. Do you want to keep this photo?” I asked her, and when she nodded, I got up to tape the tear back together. Once the picture was in her tiny hands, she ran off down the hall but not without saying “Bear’s down stairs!”
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