Letters To Nate | ✓

2| laborem et dolorem

sorrow and grief - latin (laborem et dolorem)
-grief: an intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune ,acute sorrow and deep sadness
[taken from: webster's new world college dictionary]

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A light shake on her body made Rhea slightly groan as she turned to see who was shaking her awake, removing the crust on her eyes as she did so. A bright warm smile was staring back at her and Rhea opened her eyes fully and managed a small smile back "Morning ma"

Rachel helped her daughter to sit up straight and gave her an embrace which Rhea, gladly accepted, she could feel the oncoming tears but she held them back, not wanting to cry so early in the morning "My darling daughter" Rachel murmured pulling away to smile, though her eyes dimmed once she saw the state her daughter was in "I've brought some aspirin for your headache, I'll give it to you once you eat"

On cue, Rhea could feel her head start to pound, from crying herself to sleep once again and she gave her mom a grateful smile. Rachel smiled back and gave Rhea some food which consisted of bacon, eggs and some toast. Normally bacon made her jump for joy and quickly gobble all of it before somebody took it for her (preferably Nate) now all it did was make her stomach churn, memories of Nate stealing her bacon running through her mind like a movie.

Rhea pushed the tray away from her lap and back into her mother's hands. Rachel looked at Rhea in confusion "What's wrong baby? Are you sick? Do you not want breakfast?"

Rhea swallowed down her sobs, turning away from her mother "I can't eat that" she choked, hand flying to her mouth to stifle the sobs that were desperately trying to escape "I can't eat that" she repeated

Rachel put the tray on Rhea's nightstand and immediately went to comfort her daughter, who seriously looked like she was about to burst out crying and then pass out. It made her heart ache to see her daughter like this "It's okay Rhea" she cooed and Rhea finally burst out crying again, she hated crying in front of her mother, it made her feel very vulnerable but she realized how much she needed her mother's comfort. She almost felt like a baby again "Shh, its okay baby, you don't have to eat it if you don't want. Shh"

"Its not that ma" Rhea sniffled once she slightly calmed down "Its just that, Nate used to come here all the time in the morning remember? And he used to snatch all of my bacon, kiss me on the cheek and run out to his car laughing like a maniac and now everytime I see bacon" she paused, wiping away her tears before she choked out "It just reminds me of him"

"Ohh my baby" Rachel sighed pulling Rhea to herself for a few minutes wiping Rhea's tears with her hands. Rachel just looked at her daughter, heart cracking at the sight of her broken tear striken face. It was clear as day that Rhea absolutely loved Nate with all of her heart and now it is was broken because Nate is gone.

She reminisced for a few seconds. Nate was always the one who would shamelessly display their love for each other. Rachel remembered the day her daughter and Nate confession their love to each other for the first time. After Rhea told him that she loved him, Nate literally grinned from ear to ear, spinning her around and proceeded to carry a board around the whole day written "My girlfriend said she loves me! Get behind me haters!" It was the cheesiest thing Rachel has ever witnessed but it made her heart squeeze because they were truly happy and made for each other

"I miss him Ma" Rhea brought Rachel out of her thoughts and looked at her. Rhea's face was striken with grief "I miss him so much, it hurts. Why did he leave me Ma? Why? He promised me that he will always stay by my side but he's gone" Rhea's grief expression was gone and replaced with a detached blank stare at the wall full of pictures

"He is always with you Rhea" Rachel quietly said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders "He is in here" she put a hand on her heart and Rhea sobbed. "Just because he is not physically here doesn't mean that he is not with you in your heart"

"What if I want to see him physically and not in my heart only? What if I want to see him physically tell me that he loves me? What if I want I wan--" Rachel cut off her daughter by hugging her tightly. This situation was getting worse and worse. Rachel knew she had to take her daughter to a therapist or she would spiral into a pit of deep depression.

Rachel breathed outwardly "That's never going to happen again Rhea and you know that" Rachel hated being so straightforward with her but it was important for her to know that Nate was never going to come back again. Rhea burst out in tears at her mother's words, confirming what she already knew but it didn't make it less painful "Nate isn't coming back but he will always be in your heart. And instead of dwelling on the past and crying all the time. Use all the good times that you two had and have a laugh about it. At least you got a taste of him, other people who haven't met him aren't so lucky"

"I try Ma" Rhea garbled up "But I can't help it. Nate was my everything and he just went and left me. Without any warning"

"Its not Nate's fault that he died Rhea--" she tried to explain but Rhea was having none of it. She was just so tired

"You're right ma" Rhea said "It's not Nate's fault but Peter's fault!" She exclaimed and Rachel's heart clenched at her daughter's words, her eyes watered and she felt a sob rising up her throat so she stood up, Rhea eyes widened when she realized what she said and she reached up to her mother "Ma ... Ma I didn't mea--"

Rachel gave a painful smile, the words were already said and they hurt "I'll check up on you later Rhea" she leaned down to give a kiss on her cheek "Get some sleep baby girl" she left out the door, leaving Rhea choked up with guilt at her words. She didn't mean to say that it was Peter's fault but the words just slipped out.

Rhea took out her fluffy pen and her journal and began writing

Dear Nate

Is this how you felt when you bleeding to death in the hospital? Is it as painful as I am currently feeling right now?

Nate I was waiting for you last night and you didn't arrive like I thought you would. I asked you for something last night and mind you, I never ask anything from you and you didn't do it. I feel so stupid right now. I'm writing to you and yet I know that you never going to answer me, I ask for you to come back and yet deep down I know that you'll never come back, does that mean I'm crazy?

I know that I hurt you everytime you see me cry and I know that you don't want me to cry for you like you said to me right before your heart beat flatlined but I can't help it Nate, I just can't, everytime I try to think of the good memories we've been through, I end up bursting into tears from it. I know you told me to move on but I can't do it, I love you too much to get away from you even if you're dead.

You know, sometimes I just lie on my bed and close my eyes and I can somehow feel like your presence is still with me, is that weird? I wish I could be in your arms again Nathaniel, I wish I could look into those playful green eyes again, softening at the sight of me, the love shining brightly. But I won't anymore and I know that but I won't accept it, at least not yet

Our pictures are still hanging on my wall you know? I never had the heart to take them down, I pretend that you're still here with me and looking at me with those laughing eyes of yours. Anna asked me to take them down because they will help me to move on from you but she doesn't understand that I don't want to move on from you. I want to stay with you forever.

Just like you said Nate

Me and You. Forever And Always.

I love you babe.

Yours Faithfully
Your girlfriend,
Rhea