Letters To Nate | ✓

4| effundo

giving up - latin (effundo)
-to cease doing or attempting something especially as an admittion of defeat
(taken from: mirriam Webster)

_________________________

The kind lady with warm eyes just sat there looking at Faith, who was desperately trying not to cry. She was so so tired of crying, it exhausted her mentally and physically, more mentally then anything though. Finally the lady spoke up "I think you're living in the past Rhea"

Rhea was quick to argue but the lady raised her hand indicating that she did not want to be disturbed and Rhea fell silent "You're so adamant on thinking that Nate is still alive and still is with you. You've programmed your mind to believe that the accident has never happened.  You live in your past memories and refuse to live in the present or even think about the future. Am I wrong?"

Rhea was silent. She didn't know what to think. Of course Cindy was right but that doesn't mean that she wants to acknowledge it. She wanted to live in her bubble for a bit longer. It kept her sane. She wanted to believe that Nate was still alive, she wanted to believe it. Because if she didn't, she would go crazy, quite literally. If she believed otherwise, she would have to be sent to a mental institution.  Nate was her rock, her pillar and her strength and she couldn't function without him

"It's getting toxic Rhea" Cindy told her softly, so gently it made tears spring out of her eyes "If you continue to live in the past, it will affect your health, mentally and physically. You're going to spiral out of control and soon you would be six feet under just like Nate didn't want"

For some reason,  Rhea got angry at her words "You don't know jack about Nate!" She spat

"I don't" Cindy told her honestly "But from what you've been telling me this past month. It's pretty obvious to understand how his personality was. He seems like he really loved you and would want the absolute best for you"

Rhea nodded solemnly "He does. He wants to me to succeed"

Cindy leaned closer and gently grasped her by her shoulders  "And the first step to doing that is to move on from him" Rhea jerked away from her hold as soon as she said that and looked to the side. Cindy sighed "I'm serious Rhea, look at yourself. When was the last time you've checked yourself in the mirror? You're just an empty shell of who you used to be. Your cheeks are sunken, eyes are baggy, you've lost a lot of weight which is not good, your mouth is always in a straight line, you've lost the spark of life. Do you think this is how Nate wanted you to end up like?"

Tears blurred Rhea's vision as she shook her head. She was disappointed in herself and Nate would be disappointed in her if he was still alive. What was she thinking? "This is not what Nate wanted for you Rhea. Could you repeat to me what Nate said to you right before he took his last breath?"

Rhea bit her lip hard, trying hard not to sob in front of her therapist as she remembered what he said to her in his dying bed.

Nate was hooked to many many wires. Too many in fact and it just made Rhea's heart burst with pain. Why? Why him?. Nate brought her face down for a kiss and he sighed painfully, looking at his butterfly that he wouldn't see ever again

"Do you know one thing that would make my heart fail and die Rhea?"  Nate had asked, looking at her with eyes shining in love

"No" Rhea answered, wiping her tears away

"The one thing that would kill me is to see you cry over me and become a walking corpse because I know you would do that but I don't want you to Rhea. I love you so much baby girl so I want you to move on from me and find happiness in the world and people around you --"

"You're not going to die Nate"  Rhea interrupted sobbing but Nate shook his head slightly and gave her a sad smile, wiping the tears away.

"I've already accepted it Rhea and so should you baby girl. I'm dying  and there is nothing I can do about it. But you can, by being happy for me, I can die happy. Keep me in your heart and instead of crying from it. I want you to smile from all the good years we've had together. So..promise me s-something Rhea"  His eyes were beginning to shut and Rhea sobbed harder and clutched his arm

"Anything baby"

"Promise you won't ever cry for me  but instead think about your happiness only"

"I promise. I promise with m-my life Nate"

"Good." He whispered smiling "I-I-I Love you R-Rhea"

The heartbeat monitor was beeping loudly

"I love y-y-you too Nate"

Then the heartbeat monitor flatlined

Rhea blinked, blindly wiping away tears after she told Cindy what she wanted to hear. Rhea realized she broke her promise to Nate and she felt even more horrible for acting the exact way she promised Nate she wouldn't act. I'm so sorry, Nate. I broke your promise I'm so sorry.

"Do you understand now Rhea? That this isn't what Nate asked you to do? You're doing exactly what you told him you wouldn't do?" Cindy said gently and clasped Rhea's trembling hands into her own.

"I do" Rhea gasped through her tears "I understand now"

"Let me help you Rhea. Let us help you. Me, your mom and Anna. We can help you finally move on and get the happiness that Nate knows you deserve, that all of us know you deserve and get you back on the right track again"

Rhea nodded. Too emotional to say anything else.

"Good" Cindy smiled and leaned back to grab a box of tissues and hand it to her "Wipe your tears away, pick your tiara up and wear it with your head held high Princess because that's exactly what Nate wanted for you"

Dear Nate

I finally understand.  I finally do.

I shouldn't be doing this to myself because all I'm doing is torturing and hurting myself which is something you didn't even want for me.

I've been living in the past,  convincing myself that you're still alive, asking you to come back to me even though deep down I know you wouldn't. I didn't know that I was hurting myself doing just that. But now I know and I'm willing to get help to stop it.

I'm sorry for breaking your promise Nate. I did exactly what you didn't want me to do. I went ahead and became a walking corpse, an empty shell of who I previously was, crying myself to sleep because I still didn't want to admit that you'll never be with me anymore. Unconsciously, I kept on killing you over and over again because you said that not being myself would kill you. I'm sorry for that Nate,

I'm going to try to move on from you and not live in the past anymore, it's going to be hard, I'm not going to lie but I'm going to try my utmost best to move on and fulfill my promise and be happy. That will mean that I will have to start accepting that you're gone and won't be back ever again. That will mean, I will no longer write for you and this will be my last letter.

You'll always be my first of everything Nate. My first love, first hug, first kiss, first sexual encounter etc and I'll never forget about you, never. One day in the future, I'll be able to laugh at the memories we've had instead of crying.

I'll always treasure you Nathaniel Evans

Yours,
Rhea