Confessions of Anxiety

Just The Beginning

"When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does, too"

~ Terri Clark

It all started in the 6th grade when my dad discovered he had Leukemia. I remember that day as if it happened yesterday. Why wouldn't I? It happened to be the worse day of my life, so of course, I would never forget it. I'm trying to remember what month this all start, but I cannot. I want to say in start halfway through the school year because I remember falling behind in all my classes. My mom, brother, and I visited my dad every day. As a ten year old, I never understand why my dad had to stay in an awful smelling room and hooked up to an annoying, beeping monitor. Nurses would pop their heads in ever so often to check up on him like take his blood, give him his medication, or other requires my dad had. Sometimes, I would see my dad's doctors and they would fill us in with what's going on. I cannot remember the doctors' names because, over the years, he had way too much to keep up with. I do remember how each one of the doctors had their own way of explaining my dad's condition.

To be honest, whatever the doctors said or how they said the news, my mind freaked out like oh my god what does that mean, is he going to die, is this treatment going to help, can I trust you, how do I know you will help, is he going to be the same man as before, will this just go away like a cold, can I caught whatever cancer is, or how did he get this?

No matter what I asked myself, my mind spun in circles and broke down.

Leukemia. Leukemia. Screamed in my head every day and every night. Sleeping did not happen because of this. I would stare at my light purple and off pink walls for hours before my mind dares to let me get any sleep.

One day after school before we went to visit my dad, I looked up what Leukemia meant. I tried to be quick because I knew we had to leave soon and I didn't want my mom is caught me looking up my father's cancer. I typed "Leukemia" in AOL search. A site called National Cancer Institute came up, so I clicked on the link. The site had all cancer known in alphabetical order. I clicked on the letter L and my dad's cancer. A few seconds later, the page loaded and I started to read the definition.

"Definition of Leukemia: Cancer that starts in blood-forming tissue, such as the bone marrow, and causes large numbers of abnormal blood cells to be produced and enter the bloodstream. " - National Cancer Institute.

I felt as if I had to throw up and my head started to ache when I definition repeatedly. Nothing seemed real at the point because my dad's cancer became a reality to me through the screen in front of me. The page haunted my thoughts and destroyed everything I had hoped for. I heard my mom calling me from downstairs, so I quickly exited the horror in front of me. On my way downstairs, my thoughts ate away all the happiness I have ever felt or at least my anxiety made me feel that way. (At this time, I did not what anxiety was or that I had anxiety. I thought everyone over thinks things to the point where they feel sick or want to die.) My mind filled up with more unanswered question like "Is the treatment going to work, will he be in the hospital forever, am I going to be able to handle seeing my dad sick, am I allowed to cry, am I going to be destroyed mentally, will I be able to move one without my dad if I have to, am I going to lose him at a young age, is he going to see be graduate from high school, is he going to help me move into my college dorm, is he going to see me graduate college, is he going be walk me down the aisle at my wedding, is he going to be alive to see his grandchildren, and is he ever going to be around long enough for any of these wishes?

"Earth to Kim," I heard my mom say after stepping away from my thoughts.

"Oh, sorry mom. I was lost in my thought," I replied

"I noticed, Pumpkin," she said smiling, "are you ready?"

"Yes," I said emotionless.

At least as ready I will ever be to visit my dad in a hospital, I thought to myself.