Confessions of Anxiety

Digging Deep into My Mind

Every day seemed to get worst. I didn't know where to turn or who I could talk to about what's going on. I just shut down and ignore everyone around me. I never talked to my friends about what happened at home or my anxiety. Maybe, a part of me felt ashamed mixed with confusion. Anxiety also had a lot to do with this because it made me bottle up all my feelings until I lost it.

I learned to hide behind a smile too, so no one knew how I felt or dealt with my life problems. You can say, I never wanted anyone's pity or hear things like, "I'm sorry" or "I could even imagine going through that." Well yeah, I don't ask for this life. It chose me, unfortunately.

I thought hiding behind a smile would make everything feel normal again. Of course, my anxiety continued to remind me how that's not happening. I drained myself into my thought because I let anxiety make me believe this is normal.

Anxiety took over everything in my life between my friends to family. I had no control. I lost my mind at ten years old. Of course, I didn't know this because I was way too young to understand what's going on. I didn't know my life wasn't normal or not everyone had anxiety. I thought I had a normal pre-teen life minus my dad having cancer part.

I started to realize my life couldn't be normal when summer came around and school wasn't around to help me escape "home." I had to face my pain, fear, and the living hell without having a place to go to for a few hours. What did I go do? Nothing on some days, but listen to music and stare at the wall and go on AIM. Other days, I had my friends over and lost myself into "normal" girl shit like which celebrity is cuter or who our new crushes were.

Some friends saw my dad for who he turned into after cancer. Others only saw what he wanted them to see. I hated when my dad put up a front because it made me uncomfortable. He's not that nice guy anymore or at least the dad I knew and love. He was a monster. Now look, I still loved him because he was my dad after all and not everyday was hell. I just wished his dark side stayed away for good.

I prayed for my old dad back, but nothing changed. Anxiety would tell me praying is stupid and never works. I wanted to prove it wrong more than anything. The truth is nothing happened and I started to believe God was a joke (I still do btw). God never answered my prays. He always left me in the dark.

*Short chapter* --- I hope you enjoy it. :)