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I knew something was up. He held his guitar his shaky hands. His face, pale as it was, had a light yellow tint to it. He was unable to focus, which is rare for him.
When it comes to music, Alex divulges himself in the melodies he strums away, never missing a note.
As our class session ending and the obnoxious school bells ringing loudly cueing the time for lunch, I put away my sheet music and immediately walked over to Alex.
I gently tap him on his shoulder, triggering him to abruptly turn around as if frightened on who could've placed their hands on him. His eyes, once full of light, were now dull and the bags under his eyes seemed darker.
"Are you feeling okay, Alex? You seemed very off today. You also look a bit sick. Is there anything I can do to help?" I began to ramble on and on. When he answered, I immediately regretted opening my mouth.
"Brooklyn, just leave me alone." With that, he rolled his eyes, turned around, and placed the guitar back on the rack.
I couldn't help but study his posture. He always had a glow and a confident aura, and now it was as if he had a grey cloud above him.
"Do you really want me to leave you alone? If you do, then I will."
He didn't turn around, nor did he answer.
"Alex, do you need to talk to someone?"
"No." I jumped. I didn't expect for him to answer so quickly. He seemed insecure about something, and that's when the lightbulb shone bright above my head.
I walked to where he was cleaning the recently used guitar of any fingerprints. I grabbed that same guitar, much to his objection, and gave it back to him. He shot me a confused look as to why I have him the guitar.
"Play a song that describes how you feel. You don't want to talk about, and that's fine, but you need to vent out somehow. You look horrible and I'm thinking this can help you out."
He hesitantly took the guitar. There were a group of boys in the hall and Alex's eyes darted straight towards their muffled conversations. What is up with him? I take a glance over at the group of boys and see that it's a math club just talking about... math things.
Alex appears have realized this too and finally is brought back from his gaze. I walk towards the door and begin to close it.
"What are you doing?" I look back at him only to be met with Alex seemingly looking a bit angered.
"I'm only closing the door. You seem distracted. If you're going to play out your feelings, you have to be fully committed in doing so." We look at each other, our eyes meeting one another and at that moment in time, I felt like I was seeing my Alex again. "Now, play." I give him a little shove and he gives me a small laugh.
I go to sit down on the desk in front of him as he begins to strum. He was 10 seconds into the song and I knew how he was feeling, he shouldn't feel that way. He doesn't have a reason to be feeling that way. He isn't a monster.
The secret side of me I never let you see I keep it caged but I can't control it So stay away from me The beast is ugly I feel the rage and I just can't hold it
It's scratching on the walls In the closet, in the halls It comes awake and I can't control it Hiding under the bed In my body, in my head Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I feel it deep within It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I hate what I've become The nightmare's just begun I must confess that I feel like a monster
I looked at him as he continued to play, he looked distraught and his eyes appeared to be producing tears. I stopped him and he began to sob. He sat on the floor with his head in his hands and cried. I couldn't handle seeing him so broken when I was used to seeing him glow.
I unclipped the guitar and placed it on the floor. I engulfed him body into my arms as he sobbed into my chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist and my hands held his head, caressing the back of it.
He sobbed out words that I couldn't decipher. That was until he looked up at me.
"Thanks, Brooklyn, but I don't even deserve to be held. I don't deserve your kindness." I shook my head and hugged him tighter.
"You deserve the world, Alex. You're the kindest person I know." That's when he pulled away and stood up. He paced back and forth as he said, "That's where you're wrong. I don't deserve anything. I'm a horrible person."
"No, you're not. If you think you're a bad person, then tell me and i'll be the judge." He shook his head and said, "I can't tell you." I was put in a state of confusion as to why he couldn't.
"What did you do that made you think that you're a horrible person?" He looked at me with bloodshot eyes that were filled with sadness.
He whispered some inaudible words. I stared at him and he caught on. "I was a reason why Hannah Baker killed herself."
I was lost for words. I hadn't been close with Hannah but I knew the toll her death took on people like Clay, Jessica and Justin. Knowing Alex was a part of why she did it was unexpected.
"I know what you're thinking," he began, "I'm a fucking monster. How could I drive someone so far to where they just fucking kill themselves?"
I immediately went to hug him again. I felt his arms around me as he hugged tightly once again. "How about you and I go to Monet's, pick up a crazy item from the menu and head over to my place where you can tell me everything. I promise not to judge you. I'm here for you. Always will be."
I was taken back when I felt his lips on mine for the first time. I've always had a crush on Alex, but then he ended up dating Jessica. I had no time to reciprocate when he pulled back and looked down.
"I'm so sorry," he stammered, "I got carried away. I just felt it and I, I don't know." I leaned in again and gave him a small peck. "No need to be sorry, Alex. Let's just get you out of here. Okay?"
He smiled and I saw those dull eyes turn bright. "Yeah, sounds perfect."
I smiled back and with that, we collected out things and walked out of the depressing building called Liberty High School.
