Just Wanna Be Me

Chapter 1

(A/N: ok so the girl in the pic is Cj🙂)

I wake up to loud banging and moaning coming from my sister's room. Uhg! It's fucking 6:00 in the god damn morning and on a SATURDAY!!! I climb out of bed, throw on an over-sized T-shirt, and storm off to Victoria's room. I pound on her door and burst into her room without waiting. "Jesus Cynthia! What the fuck is your problem?" Victoria ask-yells. "My problem is that you and your new boyfriend are having sex at fucking 6:00 in the damn morning- ON A SATURDAY while I'M trying to fucking SLEEP!" I scream back at her. "Yeah, well it's my house and I'll fuck when I wanna fuck! Would you rather be here or living with mom and dad?" she asks. To be honest, I'd rather live here than there and listen to mom and dad bitching 24/7.

When I don't respond she says, "That's what I thought." I turn and start walking away mumbling about how sex is so stupid and how Vic's an idiot. She over-hears me and says, "At least I can get laid unlike you." I stop dead in my tracks and turn to glare at her. "What is THAT supposed to mean?" I ask. "HA! You know what it means. It means that no one wants to fuck an ugly, fucking man-beast, freak of a girl like you." She says, trying to get me to realize that, that's true, I'm fugly. But little does she know I already know it. She looks over at me and I try to cover up the fact that it hurt to hear my own sister say that to my face, but she catches a glimpse of hurt in my eyes before they go blank. She stares at my dead, empty eyes before saying, "I'm sorry Cj but it's true and you know that." I turn and run to my bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind me. I run to to my bed, bury my face in my pillow, and cry. It hurt even worse to know that she was serious.

When I'm done crying I go to the bathroom in my room and lock that door too. I grab my mini blade out of its hiding spot, turn on the sink, and roll up my sleeve holding my arm over the sink while it fills. When it fills up enough I turn off the water. Pressing the blade against my skin I drag it across my wrist. As I watch the blood prickle up to the surface I make another cut, pressing a tad harder than last time. Watching the blood prickle up even faster and falling into the water tinting the water red already, I decide I need more pain, more cuts. So I make more cuts, each one deeper than the last, bleeding more. Banging on the door stops me other wise I would've kept going. As I scramble to get everything put away I hear my sister's voice, "Cj, open the door...please." I flush the toilet to pretend I was using the bathroom. "Hold on I'm washing my hands." I say and start rinsing off my arm. When I'm done I pull down my sleeve and wince when I hit my cuts but open the door. "There, happy now?" I ask. "I know what I said hurt you sis and I'm sorry...I love you sis, forever and always." "Yeah right. Like you do when your boyfriend is here? Or what about the time you told everyone I was a lying, self-centered, bitch because I refused to give YOUR boyfriend- er excuse me EX-boyfriend Trever a blow-job when he was dating you and I told you but you believed him when he said it was the other way around- that I WANTED to give HIM a bj and he said no. How about those times, huh, how 'bout those times. If not those then what 'bout the time when yo-" I'm cut off when I see her trying not to cry. She looks at me and grabs my arms pulling my close to her while she hugs me. Pain shoots up my arm and I yank my arm away and see it bleeding through the sleeve right where I cut my arm. Victoria looks down and I hide my arm.

"Cj what's wrong with your arm?" She asks. I don't answer but just give her my best fake smile. "Cj?" She says. "Let me see. Now...please?" I shake my head 'no' and start to walk away. Biiigggggg mistake. She grabs my wrist hard and starts to yank up my sleeve. It hurt so much I let out a quiet scream and I have tears welling up in my eyes. She looks at my face and sees the pain so she's more careful and gentle pulls up my sleeve and gasps. As she stares at my arm her eyes get wider and wider in shock and she continues to pull up my sleeve all the way up an inch past my elbow. Tears well up in her eyes and she just stands there staring. "Why...why sissy?" she asks and as her voice breaks she starts to cry still holding onto my arm. I just yank my arm away, pull down my sleeve, and take off. I run to grab my hoodie, my wallet, my phone, and my shoes. As I race to the door to get away, pulling on my shoes as I run, I hear my sister screaming. Dennis comes racing out of her room, sees me running, and runs to see what's wrong. "GRAB HER DENNIS! GRAB HER...PLEASE SHE'S HURTING HERSELF! STOP HER!" She screams at the top of her lungs. The next thing I know I'm running down town with Dennis, my sister, and their friends chasing me. I run into an alley and find a hiding spot. They run past me and I hear someone walk into the alley where I'm full on bawling my eyes out. I stand up to run but see that the person isn't anyone I know. He starts towards me but I don't run. When he reaches me he sees my tear stained face and doesn't ask any questions he just wraps me in a nice and warm hug, sitting us down and pulling me into his lap. Strangely I don't pull away I just get closer, feeling safe in his arms.

I don't know how long I was in his lap for but suddenly Vikki, Dennis, and their friends come rushing towards us. Vikki pulls me off of the boy's lap and starts checking me over. Suddenly I hear someone getting punched repeatedly. I look over and scream. "STOP DENNIS! STOPPPP!!!!!" When Dennis looks over at me, he finally stops punching the boy. "Why? Why Cj? Who is he?" Dennis asks. I run over to the boy, help him stand up, and start checking him over to make sure he's okay before I answer. "I don't know...but what I do know is that I feel safe with him...that he ain't gonna hurt me." I look back at the boy's face and ask, "What's your name?" and start walking away from the group telling them to go away and I'll see them at dinner. "Jacob, Jacob Wright. What's your's?" He says. "Cynthia, Cynthia Whittaker but some people call me Cj." I say while a smirk plays across my face. He smirks back. "Thanks by the way...for back there." I say. "No problem." He says back but he looks like he really wants to ask me something. "What?" I ask. "Oh..ummm...I was wondering...What happened for them to be chasing you? I mean you kept hold your arm back like it was a snake." He asks. For some reason I felt compelled to tell him the truth so I said, "I kind of did something to my arm they don't like and it hurts now and well yeah..." I start to look around, looking anywhere but at him. "Can I see? Please?" He asks. "No."

After a while I decide that I should head home so we trade numbers and I head home. When I get home my sister refuses to talk to me and Dennis and their friends give my dirty looks. I go to the kitchen heat up some leftovers, eat, grab some ice cream, and head to my room. I sit down on my bed and decide to text Jacob.

C: Hey what u doin?

J: Nothin much hbu?

C: Same. Bored as fuck though.

J: Well I got to go. Bye!

C: K, bye.

I lay down, put on a random movie, and eat my ice cream. Soon my eyes feel droopy and I fall asleep thinking about Jacob.