Stan Your Man ♡ Sill

notebook entry twenty two:

so today everyone was crying and you weren't anywhere to be seen. why weren't you anywhere to be seen? they need you bill, who will cheer them up now? they need their leader. they need you. oh god, i need you...
nobody would talk to me. avoiding me, i guess. except mike.
mike came and hugged me, sobbing.
you aren't dead are you?
no, i don't need to think like that. i just need to laugh and cheer everyone up before asking what has them so down. because you aren't here to do that.
so that's what i did.
despite feeling my stomach drop and my eyes sting, i made them laugh.
and while I held onto my ear like my life depended on it and recited the boy scouts code: "I promise to do my duty to god and my country and to obey the scout law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight."
beverly said in a whisper that you, bill denbrough, are gone.
i fell, my chest heaved up and down frantically. i don't think i could breathe bill. where did you go?
i, doubled over, continued heaving as if i could breathe for the whole world. but i knew i couldn't. i couldn't even breathe for myself.
"h-h-hey, ed-ed-eds. you still got that inhaler?"
and some of them chuckled, but i wasn't kidding.
Crestfallen, little eddie walked over with his head hanging low and passed his inhaler,
"you need it more than i do."
thank you eddie. i think so too.
i breathed in and out as my fingers shakingly hit the inhaler over and over. blasts of cold air hitting my lungs and my mind becoming less fuzzy.
and when i could breathe again, i could also think. that wasn't good. that's when it hit. you weren't here. you won't hold me ever again, kiss me ever again, or ask me about the birds in the book i always held ever again. you won't be here. ever again.
because when she said it like that, you could tell. the tone in her voice and the wording of that sentence, it meant death.
how will i survive without you?
how can i breathe knowing you can't.
with our hearts one, but the other half gone. how can i live?
-sincerely, stan your man ♡