A Love Conflicted

47 | For Good

It was a perfectly warm day in Los Angeles. Not to the point to where I needed the air on, just the perfect breeze that flew through my windows and flowed in and out of my apartment. I threw on a t shirt and underwear and got comfortable on top of my queen sized bed. If getting me to relax was Prince's mission then he definitely succeeded. I let my body succumb to the coziness of my mattress and pillows and I completely dozed off. I didn't know how long I had been asleep, not very long I don't think. But when I woke up I felt Prince's body lying against mine, his arms snug around my waist.

My heart skipped a beat as I saw his head nuzzled into my stomach. I knew he was awake because his fingers were softly smoothing over my stomach. His warm breath warmed my skin with each exhale. I wanted so bad to know what was on his mind, I wanted us to talk this through as best as we could. However, I felt like this was a moment I shouldn't interrupt. He was mourning; grieving the loss of his little one that he wasn't even aware of until it was too late. I let him have his moment. He needed this.

Watching him almost brought me to tears. He was perfectly still other than his fingers that were still lovingly tracing over our babies last resting place. Eventually he moved his head so that he could kiss my stomach gently, so I took the opportunity to gently place my hand in his hair. Tenderly massaging his scalp he gave it another kiss before turning his head to look up at me.

"I didn't mean to wake you" he said deeply.

"You didn't" I told him and we laid there in silence for a minute or two "Do you wanna talk?" I asked him. The only way we were going to get through this was if we did it together. He didn't respond at first. Instead he gathered his thoughts before saying,

"I'm supposed to be the strong one right now" he began "The optimistic one...the one to tell you that everything will be alright and this was just a part of God's plan...but what if I'm not?" He was speaking rhetorically and I didn't want to interrupt him until he said all he felt he needed to say. "What if I don't have it in me? How many times.." I could tell by his voice that he was trying to hold it together "How many times must one person go through this before they break completely?" That did it for me. I started to tear up once I heard the pain in his voice. This man wanted so desperately to be a father, and he deserved to be more than anyone I'd ever met. It wasn't fair that the opportunity was taken away from him once again. I'll never forgive myself for putting him through this, ever. He looked up at me with his red eyes as I tried to keep from crying. I kept my hand on his head, gently soothing him as I spoke behind tears.

"I've never met anyone more deserving, or more capable of being a father than you" I took a deep breath in, trying my best to keep my composure "I'm sorry that I don't have the answers, and I'm sorry that I'm the one to put you through this heartache again"

"It's not your fault"

He was wrong. It was my fault. He didn't have to believe it, but it's a fact that I'll have to live with for as long as I live.

"I wasn't taking care of myself. I was drinking, I was smoking...I was in a bad place and making stupid decisions and now I have to pay the price for that" I could tell he was a little shocked at my confession but to my surprise he didn't speak on it. "Regardless, I know in my heart that it will happen...for both of us. Maybe not now, but it will. You don't always have to be strong, not for me or for anyone else. You're allowed to cry, you're allowed to feel and believe it or not it's ok to be mad at God right now. I just can't allow you to give up on the idea of a family." I wiped away my tears with my free hand and he kissed my stomach once more before lying back down against it. He didn't say much at first..

"Riley" he said softly

"Yes?" I asked softly, a little scared of his response

"Move in with me...for good" I stopped my hand movements and became incredibly still. I was surprised to hear him ask that question, but for once I knew it was something I didn't intend to fight him on. I didn't even think twice about it.