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Chapter 33: Changes

George was afraid to look at Scout. He stared at the fire, taking such deep breaths that he made himself dizzy, and saw the flames swimming into each other. He knew that he was going to pass out.

"George? George, put your head between your knees." He heard Scout's voice as if from far away, and felt her cool fingers on the back of his neck, forcing his head down between his legs. "Take deep breaths, George. Can you hear me?" He tried to nod.

Eventually he sat up. He could feel her hand, comforting, rubbing his back, and he dreaded the feeling of loss when she took it away, when she took herself away, from him, from this room, this house, his life.

For how could she not? He'd just confessed to being a murderer. He hadn't even said that it was an accident, though he could have, and she would've believed him, he knew. But he'd told the truth. In that moment he'd hated Tessa, his heart had contained a blackness like he'd never known. She'd knowingly, willingly, paid someone to pull their defenseless, half-formed child out of the protection of her body, to suck him out in pieces or whatever, because she didn't want him.

How could she?

He'd looked at her face, her perfect and perfectly empty face, contorted now with fear and anger, fear of losing George and anger at being caught out, and simply pushed her--

He could remember the look of shock on her face as she reached out to grasp the railing and missed. He could remember the feeling of savage satisfaction.

No, he couldn't lie.

And now, Scout, his beloved, who carried another life, precious, soft, and vulnerable, a tiny girl, nestled inside her body, would take her and leave him, because how could she stay?

George turned blindly toward Scout where she sat on the couch, reaching for her, grasping. He pulled her tightly to his body.

"Please, oh dear god, please don't leave me, please don't take our baby and go," he whispered into her neck, taking a gasping breath of her honeysuckle scented hair.

He felt her arms wrap firmly around his back.

"No, George, no," he heard her reply. "Alis and I aren't leaving you. We love you. We love you."

George let out his breath. "Thank you. Thank you, darling." He pulled back so he could kiss her raspberry ice lips, over and over. "But I don't know how to protect you. How can I protect you?" he asked helplessly.

Scout sighed, a sound she'd make before picking up a heavy load. "I don't know," she admitted. "Though like you said, it's possible that what happened with Jess, and the fact that Alis is a girl are enough, you know?" She looked at George. "We'll just have to keep an eye out."

George bit his lip. "Now that I know you aren't thinking of leaving me, maybe it would be best if we were apart for a while--?" He looked at Scout carefully to see the effect of his words. "Maybe just until Alis is born? To be on the safe side--"

"No," Scout said firmly. "We're a team, George. We face everything together. Whatever is coming, we're stronger together than apart, I believe that with all my heart."

She grabbed his hand. "We'll deal with the fallout of what happened before as a couple, okay?"

George swallowed. "I have to ask. You really don't--care? About what I did?"

"You mean that you killed your wife?" Scout asked bluntly.

George closed his eyes and nodded.

"No, I don't," she said simply.

"How?" he asked. "How can you not care? You're one of the most moral, ethical people I know."

She looked around the room, thinking. "Well, it's like I said before," she finally began. "The Lawsons are a strange mixture. Under most circumstances, I think the laws of man are sacrosanct, and need to be followed. There are a few times, though, when I think higher laws, higher moral imperatives apply. When people are cruel to creatures who can't defend themselves? Those people need to be stopped, and those creatures need to be avenged, that's all." She stopped and took a deep breath. "Animals and children. If you inflict suffering on them, you need to be stopped, and you need to suffer." She looked at George and shrugged, as if it were a simple concept, and he was a little surprised at the cool logic he saw in her eyes.