letters | ksj ✓

02

Dear Yoongi, Jin writes, then stops.

He hasn't really thought this part through yet.

He's come to the conclusion that if he's finally cracked – after so many years so smiling and laughing and hiding – then it's really become too much for him. He's always seen this coming, somewhat, and he doesn't know what it was that sent him over the edge, but he's a bit disappointed.

He's told himself for years that he's stronger than the voices that taunt him, and he's always figured that it would take a whole lot for him to resort to suicide – being disowned, losing the other boys, something big. He's never thought that a short breakdown in front of a bathroom mirror would be the cherry on top.

He snorts at himself and wonders if he's the only one who's ever wanted an exciting revelation of wanting to kill themself. He probably is.

At the same time, though, Jin wants to stay. His boys are here – his six precious, lovely boys – and he doesn't want to leave them behind. Who's going to cook for them? Who's going to clean the dorm? Who's going to do Jungkook's laundry when he's out of white shirts? Who's going to text Yoongi and Namjoon to scold them when they stay too late at the studio?

He consoles himself with the thought that there are probably more than enough people to do that. He's sure there are trainees wishing they could take his place, and the vast majority of them will probably see cooking and cleaning as a small price to pay for fame and fortune.

(That's how Jin has always seen it, except that it's never been as much about fame and fortune as it has the other boys. They're his family, his rock, and if all it takes is a bit of housework then he doesn't mind at all.)

Jin has lived for others his whole life, so doing something selfish just this once is well deserved, right? He's in pain and he wants out. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's so sick of hurting.

So now, as he lays in bed, he's started writing letters to the boys. There will be six letters once he's done — maybe more, because his family is important too and so are his manager and everyone he's been close with – because the rest of Bangtan deserves an explanation of why he's going to do what he's going to do.

He rereads the Dear Yoongi written earlier in impeccable handwriting and makes himself continue. I'm sure that by now, you all know.

It's a cold way to start the letter, but Jin doesn't know how else to. He doesn't want this letter to end up as a novel that he cries over while trying to write. He wants it to be short and meaningful. He wants Yoongi to understand what he never could tell him.

I don't want you to blame yourself, because I know you will, he writes. Please understand that none of it was your fault. You've been a huge help, if anything.

Jin has a feeling he's going to write something similar to that in all of the letters.

I want you to know that you're the best roommate I could've asked for. You're probably mad at yourself for not noticing before, but you've done wonderfully. I didn't expect you to notice – I made sure you wouldn't. Anyway, you cheered me up all the time, didn't you?

The last sentence makes him want to cry as he thinks of the memories he's shared with Yoongi. He remembers trying everything, from food to flattery, in desperate attempts to break down the latter's walls. He had wanted so badly to be friends with Yoongi, even through the rapper's stubborn "I don't need friends", because Yoongi was always alone and Jin didn't think anyone should be alone.

In the end, Yoongi had melted over Jin's concern. The former had gotten his appendix removed in a freak emergency and Jin had been so worried. At the time, Jin hadn't thought much of it – why wouldn't he have been concerned? – but Yoongi had been touched. He later told Jin that no one had ever worried so much over his wellbeing before, and the friendship between the two quickly grew from there.

He dives headfirst into the explanation he knows Yoongi's going to be dying for. Look, Yoongi, I'm tired. I know I'm not as good as the rest of you – don't try to deny it, I can't sing or dance or rap or even be a proper visual – and I'm sick of being the one holding you all back. You each have so much potential and the ability to fulfill it, but while I'm here I'm in your way and I don't want to be anymore.

I hope you know, he goes on, blinking rapidly, how incredibly talented you are. You're a great rapper and no one's lyrics ever hit quite as hard as yours do. You've made it, and I'm so proud of you.

Jin has to stop and stifle his cries. Namjoon and Yoongi are at the studio and the dancers have gone to the dance room, but Taehyung is at home, and Jin can't let him hear him crying. Taehyung's been designated as the one who has to watch over Jin for today, but he's actually in his and Jungkook's shared room watching some movie.

Jin will never get over how precious Taehyung is. He's so sweet and innocent and adorable, even when he's worried or sad or angry, and for a kid who won't stop talking he's surprisingly thoughtful.

Jin's going to miss him.

Don't ever stop smiling, alright? he writes. I know you have that whole Agust D reputation to keep up and the whole savage Suga thing you like to do, but I want you to never stop being the Min Yoongi that I know – the one who has a gummy smile and writes funny parodies of his own sad songs and lets the maknaes make fun of him. You're kind and considerate, even if you don't like to show it. I'll miss you.

He wants to add a cheeky "don't miss me too much", but that might not be appropriate considering the circumstances. Yoongi, especially, would be angry.

Instead, Jin pens, Do me a favor and don't let the boys do anything stupid. I'll be watching and making sure of it, and if I see you let Jungkook trample Jimin like he's been threatening to do I swear I will haunt you for the rest of your life.

He doesn't know if he can actually watch them once he's dead, of course, but he likes to think he can, and anyway, that threat has too much weight to get rid of.

Please take care of yourself, he continues, feeling like a nagging mother. Don't stay out too late with Namjoon and don't forget to eat dinner. Hell, you're probably going to have to enroll in some cooking classes so the lot of you don't starve. And do NOT let Joon in the kitchen or anywhere near the microwave, if you do you'll probably all join me wherever I end up.

Jin is willing to admit that that joke is a little dark. He wonders if Yoongi will mind, but then again, he's yet to find something that Yoongi doesn't mind.

With trembling fingers, he finishes the letter with, Don't ever forget that I love you, Yoongi, because I do, you're like a brother to me, and I'm always going to be here for you even when it doesn't look like I am.

Love, Jin.

He closes the notebook and goes to find Taehyung.