letters | ksj ✓

04

Jin wonders if the others know he can hear their conversation from his room.

"He's definitely depressed," Yoongi is trying to explain. "It's been for a while now."

"But he's always so happy." Hoseok sounds confused.

There's a sigh heavy enough to only belong to Namjoon. "He needs help, doesn't he?"

"You mean, like, therapy?" Hoseok asks.

"There's no way he'd agree to that. You know what he's like."

"We don't know what he'd agree to."

"Come on, Yoongi, we've known Jin-hyung for years – "

"And how long has he been lying to us for, huh? How well do we really know him?"

There's silence. Jin bites down on his tongue as he hears the last voice go, "Exactly."

He hates that he's worrying the other members, but he won't be for long. He just has to write the other four letters before he goes, and it'll be okay. They'll be okay.

He pulls out his notebook, suddenly very motivated to get the writings done as soon as possible. He thinks for a minute about whose letter to write next, and his mind wanders to the conversation he's overheard.

It's not a hard decision; he knows there's still one friend who still has faith in him, who still thinks he can be helped. He feels bad that they're wrong, but right now he can't dwell on his feelings. Right now he needs to write.

Dear Hoseok, he begins.

Thank you for believing in me. You've put faith in me when no one else has, and I've appreciated it even if I haven't said so all that much. I didn't think I could dance, but you always help me with the choreography even though it takes longer for me to digest than for everyone else. And now, although Namjoon thinks I'm hopeless and Yoongi doubts everything I've ever told him, you still believe in me.

At least, you did. I don't know if you took what Yoongi said to heart. And yes, I can hear all of  you talking about me, it's not much of a secret. You all need to learn to be more discreet when you're gossiping like old women.

Jin wonders if this will make Hoseok laugh; he hopes it does. Jin has always preferred sunshine to rain.

Hobi, you have no idea how proud I am of you. You're such a talented dancer – one of the best in K-pop, I've heard – and we've all learned so much from you. When I first joined BTS, I was clueless, and now – well, I'm still kind of clueless, but I've improved a lot thanks to you. Never stop dancing, because it makes you so happy and you should always be happy.

I'll admit it became a bit too much for me, and I'm afraid I couldn't handle it as well as I thought I could. I'm terribly sorry for leaving you with the maknaes and old ladies, but believe me when I say it's for the best. I didn't belong here, and you all will do spectacularly with or without me.

Jin doesn't know why he's so calm about wanting to die. Surely he should be a raging lunatic by now, screaming and crying about what his life has come to, unable to eat or sleep, but he isn't. It's like he's made peace with his decision, even if it's a difficult one.

He isn't scared of death. No matter what happens – no matter where he goes, if he goes anywhere at all – it will be because that is what he deserves and it is where he belongs.

He's never truly belonged somewhere before.

Could you help me a bit while I'm away? Don't let Namjoon and Yoongi stay out too late. You're the oldest aside from Yoongi, so I'm going to entrust you with that. Don't let them overwork themselves – that applies to all of the boys, but mostly Namjoon and Yoongi – and make sure they eat and sleep enough.

He thinks that's a sufficient reminder. There's no need to remind Hoseok to help clean up the dorm, because he already does that, so Jin keeps going.

Take care of yourself too. I'll be watching you, Hobi, and if you don't eat enough and get a satisfactory amount of sleep I swear on my grave I will haunt you. I know you're a hard worker, but your wellbeing needs to come first.

Jin really hopes he can haunt people in whatever afterlife he has. It sounds like fun.

He has to remind himself that this is his death, not a field trip, and he isn't coming back from it. It isn't supposed to be fun. The thought sobers him up fairly quickly, and he keeps writing.

You were right, Hobi. You're my hope, you're my angel. The ARMYs may joke about it all the time, but you really have been the sunshine on the rainy days. Don't you dare ever stop smiling and laughing and making jokes. Don't stop giving the others secondhand embarrassment during interviews. Don't stop being the sunny J-Hope everyone knows and loves, and don't let my vacation change anything about you.

Jin knows that his use of the word "vacation" is a bit morbid, but he figures that if Americans can use it that way in cinematic classics like Forrest Gump, he can, too.

He doesn't want to use words like "death" or "suicide" in his letters even if that's what they're about. He doesn't know if the boys would be able to deal with that, and he doesn't know if he would, either.

I love you, Jung Hoseok, and I'll miss you so much. It'll take a while to get used to not having sunshine wherever I end up.

Love, Jin.

The door is pushed open, and Jin jumps nearly a mile into the air, but it's just Yoongi.

"Hyung, Jimin and I are going grocery shopping," he says. "Is there anything you need?"

Jin frowns. "No, everything should be on the shopping list, but – "

"I know you usually go," Yoongi sighs, "but I want you to stay here and – and rest or whatever – and Jimin's the only one who can read your handwriting when it's all rushed, so I'm taking him with me." He holds up the shopping list, which is covered in scribbles that are admittedly messier than something someone could have written drunk. "We'll be back soon."

Yoongi closes the door quickly but quietly when he leaves, and Jin sighs.

He flips back in the notebook to the first letter he's written (which had been to Yoongi) and at the bottom, he adds, P.S. – You're the eldest now that I'm gone. I trust you.

He hopes Yoongi understands what he means.