Lessons of Indifference

chapter three

It is my second day in San Diego. The sun rises high over California in the morning, and I am already awake. I dress slowly and lazily, every moment dreading high school and how horrible my first way will be tomorrow. My father is already down in the kitchen, but I don't know what he's making. Coffee, I think. I slip downstairs in my socks and walk into the kitchen mid-yawn. "Good morning," my dad says, sliding over a mug with whipped cream and cinnamon on it. I take a sip, confused that he seems to know exactly how I like it. "How did you know I like whipped cream and cinnamon?" I ask.

He sighs like he's about to say something, but stops and reconsiders. "Just a guess." He takes a sip of his and continues. "Your mom liked it like that."

I rub my eye. "She doesn't drink coffee anymore..." I look at my hands and my heart sinks. My throat tightens. "She... Didn't."

My dad frowns. "She did when she was younger." He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. He looks sad. I don't know why. He hasn't seen my mom in fifteen years.

"What... Happened?" I ask cautiously. "Why did you leave us?"

He sighs heavily and swallows hard. He doesn't want to talk about it. I give him a minute. He might not talk at all. But he does. "You know Faye... I loved your mother very much." I nod. I understand. My mother was a wonderful woman. She didn't date very many men when I was growing up, but they all loved her. She had men all over her wherever she went.

"But..." He continues slowly. "You know. I'm--was--way younger than her." That I didn't know. But he continues further. "I was just a teenager when you were born."

"You weren't married?" I say quietly.

He shakes his head. "We... we never were."

I am surprised. How were my parents never married?

"I see." I say.

"I'm sorry Faye." He says. "This must be hard for you."

I shake my head. "It's ok... You want to go shopping now?" I didn't think i would say that. I didn't want to talk about that anymore anyway. He nods.

* * *

We get home from Wal-Mart sometime in the afternoon. I had too many books, pens, pencils, and school things. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I never want to go back into an environment like that. So many fake, backstabbing, insensitive snakes sneaking around and killing people's personalities.

I put away my things and go down for a late lunch. I take my food to my room to finish unpacking. Now I am a little more okay with stay here, at least for a while. I don't want to be concealed. I want to be free. I want to be alone and free. So many years passed when I was just another girl without a story. I had no label. I spend quite a long time thinking about my old school. I was happy to leave. I just never thought I would be going back to school. A few hours pass before my father knocks at my door. He asks to come in, and I let him. "I'm going down to the beach," he says. "Want to come?" I decide I am done being nice. I don't want to let him in. He can find someone else.

"No," I say confidently.

"I thought you liked the beach..." He says.

I take out my headphones and sit up. "Yeah I do. But just because we talked, and just because you bought me things does not means we're... Good. So... Go to the beach with someone else."

He leaves without a word. He shouldn't bother me for a while. I take an old notebook out of my backpack and flip through it to see if there are any old doodles or words, but a small white envelope falls out. 'Ana Lily' is written in neat cursive across the front. Only my mom called my Ana. No one else even thought of it. My hands tremble as I take the piece of paper out of the envelope. I read the sweet words I had read so many times before she was gone:

"My dear Ana:

On your sixteenth birthday. I hope you have a wonderful year. You have worked so hard to become such a beautiful young woman in every way possible. I will love you forever and ever. I can't wait to see what amazing things you will go on to do. You have so much potential and talent, you can do anything in the world. I hope you always know that I will be here for you at any moment, any day, any time. Keep your head up, beautiful. Your mama loves you. You will make friends one day. They just don't see everything that I do. Love, Mom"

My lip trembles. Those words were the thing that that kept me going every day after that. When she was gone, I thought those words would be gone too. But now I know. I feel her when I read them. I see her in myself when I look in the mirror. I hear her in the music I listen to. Her laugh still echoes in my mind. I single tear escapes my eye and slides down my cheek. Her voice is still blessed in those words she once wrote. "I will love you forever and ever." I feel her with me, and i know her soul is safe. Every day, I know she wishes the best for me. "I will love you forever too, mama." I whisper.

* * *

That night, I sit with my father in complete silence while we eat. I must have upset him. I didn't mean to. I just didn't want him to be too close to me. I honestly do wish I could be close to him, but I can't risk it. I can't have another person die on me or leave me. That's all I've ever known, and I know it will happen again if I don't make sure it never happens.

I promise myself that I will never let that happen. I won't let myself get close to anyone. No one will leave me that way.