Lessons of Indifference

chapter six

It has been hours since Luke's harassment. But that is not what is on my mind. I am afraid that Everett will tell the school board about Luke bullying me on school grounds. I did not go to any of my classes today, but just wandered around the school until I couldn't take it any longer. I decide that of all my many fears, I need to face one. I will walk home today. It is only 10:30, and school will not be over for hours. The heat of the sun burns on my face as I step out the front door of the building. My skin absorbs it's burning, glistening rays in an instant, filling me with timidity. Four steps away from the building and I am already regretting my decision. I examine my options with scrutiny and bring myself to my original conclusion. I do not loo back, but walk straight forward with purpose and dignity until I reach the street. No more holding back. I am freed from one of many fears. At least for now.

My fears are a complicated concept. Some fears I am convinced and confident to overcome, perhaps not now, but I know it will come. Unfortunately, those fears are limited. Most of my fears come from past experience, or an environment of compete and utter truth to them. I will not manage to conquer those fears. I have taught myself to hide those fears from everyone except myself. I know that those fears come from the darkest places, and they cannot be fought with anything except other fear. I cannot take any chances of letting one fear control me when I am trying to dispose of another. But as of now, my thoughts are the things that control me. I hide those as well and continue walking, empty minded and untouched, until I reach the door or my father's house.

After locking the door, I hurry upstairs and lock the door of my bedroom as well. The window on the far side of the room stretches from the midsection of the high wall to the carpeted floor. I can easily see that it is a sliding glass door for a balcony that was never built. I stare out through the glass at the road ahead. All I can see is road, palm trees, sand, and water faintly in the distance. A perfect path leading straight to freedom. Freedom that I will never have. I just imagine myself beginning to run from where I stand, and never stopping, even when I reach the ocean. I could run across it, never rending to whatever stands in my path. I know I can't do that though. Humans aren't meant to run on water. I remember the preacher at the church back home telling the story of a man who could walk on water. That man, I was told, was fearless. I wish I could be like him.

I sit on my bed with my headphones on. I choose a sad song from my playlist and watch the seagulls patrolling the beach nearby. They are fearless. They don't need legs to walk on water. They can easily soar far over the horizon and never look back. I scoot from my seat on the floor closer to the window, which is actually a door. I reach up with one hand and unlock it and, with swift motions, pull hard to the right on it. With some squeaking, wailing, and stubborn pushing, the door slides open, giving me a more open view of the yard below, beyond that, the road, and beyond that, the sand and beach. The gulls float effortlessly over the horizon, weaving in and out of the boundary between earth and ocean. My eyes shut and I try to imagine myself as a bird. My wings spread wide and wave in the rushing wind. The deep salty smell of the blue ocean fills my senses with a crisp, clean, opening feeling. So this is what free feels like. I leap off the mountainous rock and dive deep into the empty abis. I fall into swiftly towards the dark ocean, but its a good kind of falling. The type of falling you feel when you fall asleep. I lift my wings, lifting high into the blue sky. The world is my kingdom now, and nothing renders my exemption. The sea surrenders to my approach. The white-sanded beaches seem an eternity away as my momentum carries me further and further from the land. The beauteous terrain increases in fascination and intense color as I float on my wings parallel to the beach. I swoop down close to the water, my feathers misted with the cool waters of the ocean. I breathe in the sea, the landscape, the air, the freedom. I know that freedom is what I want to achieve. My voice screames loud and clear the reality of how certain I am of my goal.