Lessons of Indifference

chapter eight

I have my homework done faster than I thought I would. After a day of absence and a day of not paying attention, I am surprised that I am still able to understand and keep up on the material. I am still thinking about Everett's taste in music, and why he didn't try to talk to me while he was driving. I remember his eyes, and how they scream at me that he does not want to force me to say anything, and when it will come, it will come. I keep thinking for a moment that I might trust him, but then I remember Luke and I change my mind.

I come downstairs when I hear my father come in. He greets me will a friendly 'hello' and sets his briefcase down. Instead of going upstairs to change like he usually does, he goes into the kitchen and begins cooking. I follow him, sliding past him to the other side of the peninsula where the sink is. I sit in one of the raised chairs along the counter and take a glass from the cupboard above. As I fill my glass with water from the tap, my father begins explaining why he is cooking. I did not ask, but I am still curious.

"Heidi is coming over for dinner tonight," my father tells me. "I hope you don't mind."

"Nope," I say, shaking my head.

Watching my father cook fascinates me. He is careful not to get any food on his suit, but I am still confused about why he hasn't changed. I watch him stir fry vegetables and mix in what looks like ravioli. He is a very skilled cook. He is done in only a few minutes, and he sits down next to me.

"Faye," he says, tilting his head sideways to looking at me.

"Mmhm," I mumble, focusing my eyes in the glass of water in my hand and the blurry vision of the stove I can see through it. My father's tone sounds serious, like he wants to tell me something. I do not move, I bounce on foot on the rung of the seat.

"You remember Heidi, don't you?" He asks. I nod as he continues. "You need to know that I love Heidi very much." Where he is going I don't this is avoidable. I know what comes from this. "I invited her for dinner tonight because... I am going to ask her to marry me."

I can tell from his voice that he is worried about my reaction. He shouldn't be. He should know that if he is going to add another woman to what he thinks is a family, I will not care. I will see her in the same way I see him; people I live with. No more. I have not answered him yet. After a silence, he speaks again. "What... Are your thoughts?" Now he seems nervous.

"Okay," I say without much tension in my voice. After he doesn't respond, I turn my head to look at him. His face matches his tone; nervous and tense. I speak again, "I'm glad you love her." I try to smile, but it doesn't come out as much. I can tell that he sees my attempt and smiles back.

"Thank you for understanding."

I shrug and stand up on one leg, the other still balancing on the rung of the chair. My father follows my example, his face full of excitement and energy. I wonder if love will ever make me happy.

* * * *

Heidi's black dress is covered with little sunflowers. It compliments her tall and thin figure. Her hair hangs to her elbows, first brown from the top, and blonde at the ends. It is not a boring color of brown, it is the kind of brown that shines in the light and looks effortless. Her skin and baby blue eyes make me think that her hair is naturally blonde. Her face smiles and her cheeks flush, perhaps from a happy mood, or perhaps makeup. Nevertheless, she looks very put together, and beautiful in a way. I wonder if she is still pretty without makeup. I wonder if my father has seen her without makeup. Heidi greets my father with a timid smile and a kiss on the cheek. She passes me with a quick hello and wave, and follows my father into the dining room.

My father is very polite. His smile emerges from one corner of his mouth and spreads all across his face every time Heidi looks at him. I can tell he loves her. I can tell by the way he looks at her from the corner of his eye, even when he knows she isn't looking. I know he respects her because he pulls the chair away from the table so she can sit, and takes her jacket. My father leaves the room to get the food in the kitchen, leaving Heidi and I alone in the room. I watch her eyes explore our surroundings, bouncing from one wall to another. She is curious, like me. We are in silence for a few moments. I can tell she wants to talk to me, but she cannot find words to say. When she finally speaks, I already know what she is going to say. The only thing there is to say.